What’s the secret to lifelong love with your partner(s)? Well, there’s no one easy answer to that, sorry to say. Every partnership is unique and comes with the experiences and strengths and weaknesses of everyone involved. The good news is, there are some things that are universal, and one of them is this: Love has to be an action in order to thrive. It’s not something you sit around and contemplate, or wait to touch you like the golden finger of inspiration. It’s a human need for care and nurturing, every bit as much as hunger, thirst, or the need to sleep.
Since our social media this month is focused on ways to love your lover, we thought we’d add to that here on the blog and give you some ideas for fueling your ongoing infatuation with each other. Things that are simple to do and that you can weave into your everyday life, a reminder that love is joy and connection is nourishing and that being together should bring you pleasure on a regular basis. And if you’re single? These tips can just as easily be used in your relationship with your first and forever lover– yourself.
- Go to a sex-themed show, art exhibit, or museum together. Deviate from a simple dinner-and-movie date night to check out something a bit more risque. Google your nearest city and “sexy places to go” to find aphrodisiac chef nights, sexy storytelling, pole dance competitions, or erotica readings in your area. You might be surprised by what your city has to offer!
- Sample some ethical porn or how-to videos. If one or all of you has a vulva, you might love OMGYes, a video-heavy instructional series that uses innovative touch-screen technology to help you not only learn about pleasuring vulvas and clits, but actually “practice” it. And for all that it gets a bad rap, watching porn can be incredibly hot as an intimacy booster. Using paid sites that center their missions on ethical treatment for actors, showing realistic relationships, and embracing body-positive values will give you a thrill you can feel good about on many levels.
- Indulge in PDAs as much as you feel comfortable or safe. Tragically, this isn’t always a safe option for queer, trans, or interracial couples, but you can still be expressive at home or in safer spaces. Simply holding hands, snuggling, or stealing kisses when you’re out and about keeps you physically connected and feeds that ever-present skin hunger. If you have kids, it’s also great for them to see you openly and regularly expressing your love– it’s a model for them for healthy relationships in their future.
- Stay in bed on a lazy morning just to snuggle, talk, smooch, and enjoy just being together. Too often, we feel compelled to leap out of bed and get productive the moment our feet hit the floor, leaving no time for quiet togetherness. Having a morning cuddle and a little privacy demonstrates that your relationship gets high priority in your everyday life, and starts you off on a less-stressful note.
- Give them a really specific compliment, especially about something they didn’t know you noticed or loved. Of course, just about any compliment is awesome, but mix up “you’re so beautiful” or “you’re the sexiest” with something like, “Something about the way your mouth is a little crooked when you smile always takes my breath away” or “I always feel so safe in the car when you drive because you’re so confident and alert.” Bonus: they might find new things to value about themselves!
- Go on a cheap date: Browse a bookstore together, stroll through a beautiful park, enjoy a street fair, drive out to a scenic overlook at night and make out. Sometimes the simplest dates are the best! Date nights can be stressful if you’re worried about money or if one of you ends up always having to figure out all the logistics. Having some low-key favorites in reserve means that you can be spontaneous, stress-free, and able to focus all your attention on the joy of being out with your person.
- Make each other a “mix tape”—even if it’s just a custom playlist on your streaming service. Those of us who came of age in the era of cassettes know that nothing says “I love you” like that hand-labeled mix painstakingly assembled from vinyl albums, other cassettes, and hitting the record button at the exact right moment while the radio played. Not only that, but every song title and lyric is its own message, full of meaning and associations, and must be chosen with care. Even though making a mix is infinitely easier in the era of digital music, the heart of the gesture hasn’t changed, and a good mix is something your lover will play over and over for years. Don’t forget some homemade art for the cover!
- Got a three-day weekend, or are you able to take one? Take that extra day off from being adults and play together—video games, board games, sports, even axe-throwing at a bar! A little competition is sexy for some, but being on the same team can also reinforce your feeling of “we’re in it together in life”. But the real point is to let go of your cares and dedicate a day to pure fun. Your laughter and imagination and silliness will refresh your relationship more than you could ever anticipate. Throw in some sexy stakes to make it interesting!
- Commission some romantic or erotic art for them—a painting, custom erotica, a sculpture, even a song. There are few things in life as meaningful and flattering as something beautiful that’s created with you in mind. Pick something that your partner would treasure on its own, and then ensure that it’s unique to them. There’ll be no doubt that you were thinking of them and cherishing them when you planned this surprise! This could be a splurge, but it doesn’t have to be; many Etsy artists or local makers do small commissions for a budget-friendly price. If you know an artist personally, there might even be a way you can barter (but one way or another, DO pay your artists).
- Feb. 29th used to be called Sadie Hawkins Day, a day when women were encouraged to ask men to a special dance instead of waiting to be asked. Throw gender norms out the window and use the day instead to ask for whatever it is that you want but that you normally don’t ask for. You might discover that your partner had no idea you longed for that certain something, and is more than happy to deliver.
It’s no accident that all these tips are things that are fun and pleasurable for both/all of you. Of course it’s important to also do the things that involve more effort or sacrifice on your part, or that aren’t playful or happy but are still necessary. But it’s also dangerous to make relationships all about “making it work” with an emphasis on the “work”, as though our love affairs were nothing but another pile of tasks to slog through. Give yourselves a break and bring back some joy and sweetness to remind you why it’s so worth it to get through the hard parts.
What ways have you come up with to share pleasure with your boo and show them in simple everyday ways that you love them? Drop them in the comments so we can all inspire each other!
