Welcome to our new, ongoing Q&A series! We started writing these in our weekly email blasts to address questions on a variety of topics that we commonly hear from our customers. Recently, we decided that we wanted to make them an evergreen educational resource, and thus this series was born. Check out our Q&A category under Lotus Blooms Life in the menu for more posts in the series.
Earlier this month, in honor of Pride month, we invited our subscribers to anonymously submit their questions about anything related to queerness and the LGBTQIAA+ community for us to answer. Many of our customers are straight, but want to understand queer issues and to be good allies, while others are questioning their own sexuality and need help navigating their discoveries.
How can I tell what gender someone is? Is it OK to ask them?
The answer to the first part of the question is, you probably can’t unless they choose to tell you. There’s no one way for someone to look, sound, behave, or be named to show their gender. As for asking them, the important question is, why do you feel like you need to know? If you’re simply seeing a stranger out in public whose appearance confuses you, then no, it’s not OK to ask them. It’s not anyone’s business but theirs, and it may not feel safe for them to disclose their gender. (And please, NEVER ask what genitals someone has just because you’re curious!) If you’re thinking of someone you expect to interact with (for example, a new coworker) and you’re asking because you don’t want to misgender them, then you could ask them what pronouns they use so that you can address them correctly. If you’re going to do that, though, it would be a good habit to start asking that question of everyone, and not just people whose gender identity seems unclear to you.
If I fantasize about people who are the same gender as me, does that mean I’m bisexual or gay?
Sexuality is such a tricky thing to pin down! The answer is that maybe it does and maybe it doesn’t. Of course, it’s very common to fantasize about your own gender when you’re just becoming aware of your own queerness. But human desire is complex, and sometimes we are really turned on by fantasies that we wouldn’t want to try in reality. It’s very common and normal for straight people to find people of their own gender attractive or to fantasize about them. And why not– human beings are sexy! The best thing to do is relax and remind yourself that fantasies don’t have to mean anything, so you can enjoy them without trying to figure them out. If you feel comfortable sharing them with your partner (if you have one), even better! And if you do start to feel like fantasies aren’t enough and this might be who you are, there are lots and lots of groups and resources out there ready to help you deal with your questions and decide if and when and how you want to come out and publicly embrace your newly-discovered identity.
Do I count as queer if I don’t have any experience (I’ve only had sex with people of a different gender)?
This is such a common fear for people who have realized that they’re queer but, for one reason or another, have only had heterosexual relationships so far. It’s very normal to feel like you need experience to “prove” your queerness, but the truth is, you don’t owe “evidence” to anyone. You know who you are, and that’s enough. After all, how do straight people know they’re straight before they have heterosexual sex for the first time?– Right, they just DO. We’ve been taught to think of queerness as something artificial or something that requires you to act or dress or exist a certain way, but your sexual orientation is just a natural part of your overall identity– and that’s enough to count.
I’m a bi-curious woman and I really want to explore dating people other than men. But I’m worried because what if I date someone who has a vulva and it turns out I don’t like performing oral sex?
There’s no way to be 100% sure whether or not you’ll like any sex act before you try it. That being said, this is a pretty common obstacle for a lot of people who’ve only performed oral sex on penises and are ready to explore. We’ve all received a lot of pretty awful, anxiety-provoking messages about vulvas, and those of us who have them often can’t help but be afraid that we’ll have the same reactions that we stress about our partners having when they go down on us.
In reality, though, lots of people love the taste, smell, and appearance of vulvas, and you might find that you do too! In addition to that, discovering how much pleasure you give to your partner can be a huge turn-on. Our suggestion is to let yourself explore relationships, and just be honest with your partner that this is new to you and you’re feeling a bit nervous about it. And if it turns out that it really isn’t your thing, you don’t have to do any sex act you don’t like. Be up front with partners about your preferences, and focus on exploring the many other ways that you can have mind-blowing sex with them. You can also check out one of our regular oral sex classes if you want to build confidence in your oral abilities!
I think my teenager might be queer, but they haven’t said anything to me yet. Should I ask them about it? How do I handle this?
If your child hasn’t talked about their sexuality with you yet, they could still be figuring it out, or they might know but not be ready to come out yet, and/or they might fear your reaction. It’s best to let them talk about it in their own time, but you can show them that it’s safe to talk to you about it by speaking up in defense of LGBTQIAA+ rights, actively getting educated about the queer community, and talking positively about queer people and stories of coming out and finding acceptance. You can discreetly look around to see what support resources there are for them if/when they do come out– does their school have a gay/straight alliance? Is there a local PFLAG chapter in your area? When does Pride happen in your community?
If your child is queer and decides to come out to you, keep in mind that the biggest fear any queer person has when coming out to their families is that they’ll be rejected, abused, and/or thrown out (and therefore realize that their family’s love was conditional on them being straight). It’s also crushing to have their family tolerate their queerness without really understanding or affirming it. Coming out is a pretty terrifying choice to make, and it’s important that you try to understand how overwhelming that can be– it really can feel like it would be the end of the world to meet with rejection or disapproval for this fragile, vulnerable discovery of who they are. So the best thing you can do for them when they come out is to affirm that you love them (not in spite of their queerness, but inclusive of it), assure them that it doesn’t change your feelings for them, and ask what they would like you to do to support them. And then do it– whether that’s using different pronouns or a new name, allowing them to dress in a way that feels right for them, taking them to Pride or to other events where they can get support from their peers, defending them against bullies, taking them to therapy if they’re still struggling with who they are, or being kind and welcoming to whomever they date. They might also want nothing right now from you except your love and affirmation, and that’s normal too. Give them some space and privacy, and just be available if they need your help or advice.
Bonus if you feel moved to actually celebrate who they are and their courage in embracing their true selves– this is a level of parental love that makes an enormous difference to queer people and their emotional and mental health.
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