Sex has changed the world more than perhaps any other aspect of human existence throughout time. It’s defined religions, driven technology, toppled or cemented governments, affected fashion trends, and been entwined with every aspect of arts, culture, and entertainment. And yet, so often we’re still stuck thinking that it’s only in the last 50 years or so that sex could be spoken about in anything louder than a whisper.

Let’s take a romp through history and enjoy some of the fascinating, bizarre, and surprising moments that human sexuality has had along the way. Impress your friends! Scandalize your coworkers! Spice up your sexting with a little nerdiness!

The first sex toys

In 2005, German archaeologists discovered the oldest known dildo—a carved and polished stone phallus dated at about 28,000 years old. The Paleolithic penis may have also been used to sharpen tools, but its smoothness and detail led to the theory that it was used for sexual pleasure.

Meanwhile, the Chinese are credited with inventing the cock ring, made out of goat eyelids, and frequently with the lashes left on to add a little tickle to the pickle.

Sorry to bust a fun myth, but that story about Cleopatra inventing a “vibrator” by filling a gourd with angry bees? Probably not true. There’s no evidence to support it, and it was first written about with no supporting sources by sexologist Brenda Love in 1992. The first known vibrator was invented by Joseph Mortimer Granville in 1883, though the common belief that vibrators were invented as a Victorian cure via orgasms for “hysteria” is also nothing more than a hypothesis first suggested by author Rachel Maine in 1998. It’s more likely that vibrators—like early violet wands—were developed to treat any number of conditions and that people quickly realized their sexy potential.

Read my lips…I’m good at oral

The ancient Egyptians are often credited with creating some of the earliest forms of makeup as we know it. One of those developments was the use of pigments to color the lips bright red. Historians believe that this proto-lipstick was used by sex workers to indicate that they were good at and willing to perform oral sex—but the trend clearly spread, as Cleopatra (yes, she NOT of the beegasms) was said to have liked painting her lips red as well.

No Dildos, No Peace

In Greek playwright Aristophanes’ comedy Lysistrata, the women of Athens are angry and restless because the Peloponnesian War has taken their husbands and lovers away and left them sexually frustrated, but the final straw that prompts Lysistrata to propose the sex strike at the heart of the plot comes from the war’s embargo on imported dildos. That, it turns out, is just a bridge too far. While the story is fictional, it does suggest that the ancient Greeks really treasured their sex toys. (According to some accounts, they even made dildos out of bread and lubed them with olive oil—not recommended, no matter how much you love those breadsticks at Olive Garden!)

It’s for SCIENCE

Scientists, contrary to the sexless-nerd stereotypes, are some pervy people! “Father of Microbiology” Anton van Leeuwenhoek improved the earliest compound microscope design in 1676, and it took him only a year to decide to check out his own semen under the lens. He quite romantically scraped up a sample right after making a deposit in his wife, and was surprised and fascinated by the “animalcules” he saw wriggling there. At the time, the prevailing theory was that sperm cells contained tiny, fully-formed human beings, so we’re guessing that van Leeuwenhoek was as disappointed as we all were the first time we got Sea Monkeys.

A comprehensive benefits package

If you think rock stars demanding bowls of green M&Ms in their dressing rooms or corporate execs using company funds for gambling and designer wardrobes are excessive, well, they’ve got nothing on Catherine the Great. No, the sex-with-a-horse rumors aren’t true, and neither is the fetish for erotic-themed furniture. However, she was known to have a healthy sexual appetite and to take many lovers, often much younger ones, who were test-driven by one or more of her trusted ladies before she would accept them. She claimed that young lovers were necessary for her health and that she couldn’t rule Russia on an empty bed. And here the rest of us are supposed to function on free break room coffee!

Proto-porn

The motion picture camera was invented in 1892, and it took only 4 years for someone to use it for erotic art. That first short film, Le Coucher de la Mariée, was fairly tame—it showed a woman undressing, bathing, and dressing again. In 1908, the first hardcore film titled A L’Ecu d’Or ou la bonne auberge depicted a tryst as explicit as anything you’d find online today. In fact, you can find that short online if you want to see for yourself.

The first pornographic cartoon came about in 1929, supposedly made for guests at a private party. It’s called Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure and was co-created by some of the great animators of the day, normally known for their wholesome children’s animation.

Sex Work is Diplomatic Work

In 1904, the Entente Cordiale brought about the end of a thousand years of regular conflict between Britain and France. While there was a lot of state work involved, an undeniable part of that success came from an unlikely source—Edward VII, son of Queen Victoria, who had not been a very highly regarded royal heir all his life. However, he loved France and especially French brothels, and it’s said that he learned his legendary diplomatic charm in the arms of his French mistresses. His passion for France and his popularity there paved the way for the entente and forged good relations between the countries.

Sexual Healing

While it probably isn’t true that vibrators were invented to give Victorian women hysteria-curing orgasms, that doesn’t mean that medicine has never seen sexual pleasure as a route to good health! In medieval Europe, despite the anti-sex rigidity of the Catholic church, physicians believed that too much celibacy was potentially fatal. They believed that there would be a backup of seed that could poison and kill a person of any gender. Some treatments were not at all sexy—being bled with leeches, heavy exercise to induce sweating, and copious weeping were all ways that celibate people (like clergy) could “balance the body’s humours” without orgasms. However, doctors also prescribed “genital massage” as a way to release the backup while not having a sexual partner.

One more thing about dildos, and then we promise we’re moving on

Although dildos have been around, as we mentioned above, since pretty much the beginning of humankind, modern versions are vastly better than the stone, antler, and bread toys of ancient times. The silicone dildo was invented in the early 1970’s by a paraplegic named Gosnell Duncan, and it was created as a disability aid for people who could no longer achieve erection. His work as a mechanic had introduced him to silicone, which was more durable, easier to heat and clean, and more body-safe than the cheap rubber materials being used for dildos at the time. Let’s remember that when we enjoy dildos as pure-pleasure sex toys, that we owe a debt of gratitude to the disability movement and that we should champion work that improves sex accessibility for the disabled.

How WWII shaped modern kink culture

BDSM is nothing new under the sun—people have been whipping, spanking, shocking, and power-exchanging with each other throughout time. But much of the iconic imagery of modern kink, especially in the US, grew directly out of gay culture during and after WWII. Military service and all its trappings and hierarchies shaped interactions for a significant population of gay people, and in the aftermath of the war, these communities evolved into early biker culture. Motorcycle clubs formed particularly in coastal areas and port cities, providing a more discreet public face for gatherings of gay men who enjoyed rough sex and strictly-defined power dynamics. Leather clothes, denim vests, biker caps, boots, driving gloves, and club colors and symbols were the uniforms that allowed them to identify each other. As modern BDSM culture grew and spread across gender and sexuality lines, the “Old Guard” traditions of this gay leather scene became less and less common, but the classic imagery remains.

Reading is FUN…damental

The invention of the Gutenberg press in 1439, which allowed for mass-printing of written materials at a much cheaper rate than ever before, changed the world more than almost any other development in human history. Less than 100 years later, in 1527, bad-boy poet Pietro Aretino wrote 16 pornographic sonnets to accompany the controversial illustrations of artist Marcantonio Raimondi in a book called I Modi (The Ways). It was a bestseller across Europe, and arguably played a role in furthering literacy among the masses.

Pornography killed the Betamax star

We mentioned earlier that sex drives the development of technology—but specifically, porn can change the entire course of a tech industry. In the late 70’s, VHS and Sony’s Betamax formats battled for domination of the home video market. The deciding factor? Porn. Betamax had quality on its side, but VHS could fit more material (read: more porn)—as much as 3x more—on a tape. Sony decided not to allow Betamax to be used for porn, but by then, over half of the videotapes being bought were pornography. Simply, it was more comfortable to watch at home than to have to go to an X-rated theater. People chose VHS, and Betamax died. Later, the porn industry decided to favor Blu-ray over HD DVDs, and guess which technology won. (Spoiler alert: It’s always porn.)

These are the kinds of educational tidbits we’re guessing you didn’t get in history class, but sex has shaped our world at least as much as wars, economy, disease, or religion. Ironically, how many more of us would’ve gotten A’s on our tests if we got more of the juicy stuff in with our studies of battles, treaties, and industrial revolution?

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