We’ve all been groomed to have the same fantasy about sex with a new lover: An electric connection, kissing like you’re melting into each other, and finally that tumble onto (or up against) the nearest surface for the most earth-shaking passion of your life.
And the reality? Maybe something like that happens– or maybe there’s fumbling, awkwardness, anxiety. Maybe the sex is pretty good, but even so, maybe not the stuff of movie romances.
Maybe you didn’t even cum at all.
We need to talk about this: Bodies are all different. There are no universal Sex Champion techniques that are guaranteed to work for everyone you ever sleep with. And expecting yourself or your lover to nail it the first time you nail each other is a great way to rob yourselves of pleasure with the pressure to perform– and to pretend everything was perfect.
Real talk is that it takes time and attention to learn every lover’s body. Sure, there are skills and techniques you can master that will be a good starting point for most bodies, and as you gain experience, you may have an easier time figuring out what someone likes. But the secret to being a great lover isn’t having a playbook of player-proven moves that you can show off. It’s being curious, attentive, open to feedback, and invested in your lover’s pleasure.
The good news is that you can learn some more-or-less universal techniques for exploring each partner’s unique sexuality, and for understanding and communicating your own desires and preferences. Let’s talk about what those are, and then jump to how you can apply them to making your first sexual encounter together something to remember.
(PS– Let’s get one thing out of the way: the first sex you have with someone is unlikely to be the best sex you’ll ever have with them. And that’s normal and okay, so let go of the stress. Isn’t it better that way, anyway? How sad would it be if, in every first-time afterglow, you knew it was all downhill from there?)
Things that are different from body to body
First, a little food for thought about the kinds of variations you’ll want to be aware of:
- Erogenous zones. Sure, everyone has a ton of genital and anal nerve endings that are very sensitive, but not everyone wants even the most “obvious” parts of their bodies touched. And beyond that, there’s huge variety. Some people can cum from nipple stimulation alone, while others are apathetic. Some places that give many people the shivers in the best way (crease of the knee, feet, neck) are torturously ticklish to others.
- Hot spots in those zones. Do they love their entire areola stimmed, or just the tip of the nipple? Are they more about the shaft, the balls, or the head and frenulum? Are they a G-spot fanatic, do they love having their labia licked, do they like their clit stim right on the button or a little to the side?
- Intensity of stimulation. Some people love a feather-light touch and are easily overstimulated. Others can’t feel pleasure without deep, hard impact.
- Type of stimulation. Ever hear of buzzy vs. rumbly, or sting vs. thud? Some areas of the body respond better to friction, and some to pressure, and they won’t always be exactly the same among different people. Biting or hair-pulling can be blunt or sharp depending how you do it.
- Orgasms. Some people pop off multiple orgasms in quick succession, some people cum once and hard and then they’re done. Some people are a long, slow burn and need specific toys or positions, and some rarely ever cum at all.
- Body types and ability. Not all bodies do well with traditional positions, or having sex without supports. Knee problems, back problems, differences in height, bigger bodies, or bodies with chronic pain or disability may affect how pleasurable different positions can be.
- Lube and hardness. Some people are “gushers” and some people can be really turned on but still be dry. Some people have long-lasting erections and others have sporadic ones or don’t often get hard at all.
- Penetration preferences. There are people who like deep penetration, or like it in one orifice but not others. Some can only enjoy shallow penetration. There are “size queens” who love it girthy, but it’s equally valid (and no measure of sexual prowess or worldliness) to prefer something very slim. Sometimes, you’ll find someone who wants no penetration at all.
- Feelings about their bodies. Dysphoria is a very real thing, and it can be hard to impossible for someone to enjoy contact with a body part that triggers anxiety or grief for them. In some cases, people who are fighting to be seen as their gender may have complex feelings about their genitals. People who have had eating disorders or experienced body shaming may not want bellies, thighs, ribs, or other areas touched.
- Trauma. Related to that, people who have experienced trauma (and especially sexual trauma) may have a specific perspective on what’s pleasurable, and may experience pain or distress from sexual contact that other people love.
You’re starting to see how many ways bodies can vary!
Where do I even begin, if there’s that much to figure out?
Well, there’s one simple and direct way: Talk about it.
Sure, it can feel incredibly forced and awkward to talk about such intimate things with someone when you’re already stressed about whether you’re going to be sexually compatible and have a good time. If you already blush and stumble over saying “penis” or “vulva”, you might think this is torture! But this doesn’t have to be clinical or go deep into anatomical detail while you’re still on appetizers.
If you’re still at the flirty banter stage, you’re probably already trading bits of info in thinly-coded terms—talking about your oral fixation when you’ve gotten ice cream, or remarking that you’re a “work hard, play harder” type. You might be pointing out that a scene in the movie you just saw was really hot. At this point, it’s all about paying attention to the clues you’re dropping for each other, and filing it away for later.
Depending on your lifestyle, of course, you might favor the direct route. People in kink or other alt-sex communities, especially ones that rely on social websites like FetLife to get to know each other, have a lot of love for checklists or questionnaires that list out all kinds of sexual activities, fetishes, top/bottom preferences, etc and let you compare your experience, interests, and curiosities to see how well you match. If you’re both into it, that can be a way to plow through a lot of information without having to say everything out loud, and it takes a lot of the guesswork out.
Some people will have a conversation about sex before heading off to bed together. It’s valid if you prefer an organic-feeling transition from a fierce kiss into stumbling towards a soft surface with a trail of clothes in your wake, but consider taking that step back. It’s not “less sexy” to take a little time to verbally confirm that you both want to have sex, first of all, and then to talk about barriers and birth control, STI status disclosure, and expectations—will you stay the night? Does this change your dating status? Trust that the peace of mind from getting all that out of the way will help you relax and enjoy when things heat up!
And while you’re having that conversation, you can pepper in questions for each other: What’s your favorite position? What parts do you most love having touched? How do you like to give pleasure? Do you have parts that you don’t want touched, or anything that makes you uncomfortable? Don’t pry—if your soon-to-be-lover says for example that anal is a hard limit for them, but doesn’t say why, don’t ask if they were assaulted or injured or if it’s a religious thing or what! Just honor their body autonomy.
When you hit the sheets, there’s a whole new world of “dirty talk” that helps you explore and learn while turning the heat up. It’s a way to ensure consent as well as discovering what they like. It looks a little something like this:
While caressing their hair: “I just want to bury my fingers in your hair. Do you like having your hair pulled?” Assuming they do: “This feels so hot. Does it feel good to you? Do you want more of that?”
“Are your nipples sensitive? Do you want me to lick them? Ooh, that sounded like a good noise—should I suck harder?”
“This is my favorite position, is it working for you? Should I put a pillow under your hips to support you?”
On paper, it sounds like it’d be awkward, like a game of “Mother May I”. In practice, saying things like these in your turned-on bedroom voice, and hearing their “oh YES please” breathless replies, just amps up the erotic electricity. It also does an important thing—it tells your partner that you want them to tell you what they want and how they want it. Think about it: How often have you been with someone who decided to go to town with a sexy move that didn’t really do it for you, but you didn’t want to ask them to stop or change it because you were afraid of hurting their feelings or making them insecure? In a perfect world, we’d all use our words with confidence, but the truth is that we’re socialized to be polite even when it’s to our own detriment. Asking for that feedback breaks down that wall—and who knows? You might be the first lover they’ve ever had who bothered to ask them what they want.
Some other ways to learn their body
Talk is great, but let’s acknowledge that for some people, it’s difficult to the point of paralyzing to talk so frankly about sex. That doesn’t mean you’re out of luck!
- Set some signals. If one or both of you struggles to verbalize things, suggest ways that they can tell you what they want. Make it okay for them to move your hand or mouth to a better spot, or squeeze your arm if they want you to stop something. Let them set the pace for thrusting. Ask them to point to a spot they want you to touch or kiss, or to put your hand on it.
- Pay attention to their reactions. Reading body language is far from an exact science, and some people are much quieter than others. Even so, you can stay alert for quickened breath, widened eyes, mouth opening, back arching. Are their muscles tensing? Check their face and see if they look happy or if they look like they’re stressed or in pain.
- Quick check-ins. You don’t have to go completely nonverbal—just an occasional “Is this okay?” or “Does this feel good?” can help you figure out if that’s their almost-O face or their enduring-discomfort face.
- Experiment. While paying attention to one part of their body, take your time at first and vary what you do—your speed, your intensity, your patterns, your positions. See what gets the juiciest responses!
- Prepare ahead of time. Just because bodies are infinitely different, doesn’t mean there’s no point in learning some basic techniques for sensual touch, oral sex, thrusting, g-spot play, or anything else. And if you’re going to try toys or kink, you need to learn how to use your gear properly. It’s worth it to know the anatomy of the clitoris, or how to massage a prostate. It’ll give you a solid starting point and some confidence in your ability to give pleasure.
- Lube! Any time you’re doing something that creates friction, you’ll most likely want lube to keep it sexy and not painful. Don’t assume that because your lover has a vagina that they will get super wet—or that if they don’t, they’re not turned on. Lube is a great aid to finding out if what you’re doing is something they love, instead of thinking they hate it just because things got a little too dry. (This goes for any area, not just vaginas and vulvas—even a sexy massage feels better with oil!)
- They may not know. Lots of people are never asked what they want or prefer, and lots of people have never learned what they like. If that’s the case, then just decide together how they can tell you “more” or “stop”, and be patient—they’re learning right alongside you.
Setting yourself up for a great first time together
So, you’re 100% sure you’re into each other and that you’re ready to have sex—congratulations! It’s true that your first time together will probably have some anxious moments, some insecurity, some fumbling around. Still, you can be pro-active about preparing ahead of time to make it a wonderful time you both want to repeat. (Or not—a hot one-night stand is a beautiful thing!)
- Manage expectations. Just acknowledge that first times are always a little weird, and take the pressure off. “I just want to savor and explore you and enjoy discovering your body, and show you what I like” is a simple and sexy way to communicate that you’re not expecting either of you to go into it with all the answers.
- Have your conversations. If you’re going the checklist/questionnaire route, do that enough in advance that you have a little time after to talk about what you each might like to do for your first time together, negotiate limits, and maybe build anticipation with some sexting. If you’re going to have a pre-sex talk but you still want that movie-perfect transition from dinner to ripping each other’s clothes off, set a time outside of your date to talk about those things first. Bonus: If you discover any dealbreakers, you’ve learned it before you invested all your planning and hopes in your play date.
- Clear your time and space for each other. Make sure your play date has the right timing—if one of you is coming off overtime or has an early morning meeting the next day, you could feel rushed or tired. Make sure you’re meeting in a space where you can both relax and won’t be interrupted by kids, pets, or roommates.
- Set the stage. If they’re coming to your place, make sure you have what you need in close reach. Lube, condoms, gloves, dental dams, massage oil, toys, towels or tissues for cleanup—whatever it is you’ll want close by. Make sure your lube is safe for your barriers and toys! Do you have extra pillows if you need supports? Do you have some soft lighting instead of a harsh overhead bulb? If you’re going to them, or to a hotel, see if they need you to bring any of those things.
- Consider your clothes. There’s an art to disrobing—ask any burlesque dancer! You don’t have to overthink this too much. Just try on your outfit beforehand and see what happens if you try to take if off really fast. Save yourself the anxiety of lots of fiddly buttons or pants that require contortions to peel off.
- Build antici…pation. If you’re not having that mad hot rush of DO ME NOW, take advantage to create a slow burn. Start your sexplorations fully clothed. Discover how they like to be kissed, whether the back of their neck is a shiver spot, or try out some sensual strokes in non-genital areas. You can make a game out of seeing how long you can get each other worked up before you start stripping!
- Take turns. We’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: It’s really hard to fully give and receive pleasure at the same time. Give yourselves a break and take turns focusing on one role or the other. It lets you tune in to their responses, and lets them respond without being distracted or worried about your pleasure—and vice versa.
- Don’t surprise them. You might think it’s a great idea to suddenly flip them over and start doing that patented hardcore move that your last three lovers told you was the most amazing thing ever, but maybe don’t spring it on a new lover. You don’t have a history together yet to be sure that they’ll welcome it, and it in no way makes things less sexy to take a moment to check in and get consent. Once you’ve shown that you will, your lover also knows that they can trust you to respect their boundaries.
- Don’t forget the follow-up. Sometime afterward—in the glow itself, the next day—offer them a little TLC, ask how they’re feeling, and tell them what you’re feeling. In the kink community, “aftercare” is de rigeur post-scene to comfort, ground, and connect with your partner. It’s a great practice for anyone, though, especially in that vulnerable space after a first time. Ask them what they’d like—cuddling? A snack? Some space and the bed to themselves?—and give them that (but negotiate for what you need, too). If you think you want to get together with them again, tell them within a day or two what things really turned you on and that you want more of, and prompt them to tell you the same. And if you dealt with anything like vaginal dryness, lost erections, or one or both of you not cumming, communicate that it was okay and you still had a great time and want to do it again (if that’s true).
For bonus points? Spend time exploring your body or paying attention to what you love having done to you, and commit to communicating it to all your partners, new or existing. It might be hard to speak up at first, but after a while it’ll feel much more natural and even sexy to say, “A little harder—more to the left—can you grab some lube?”
It’s a bit of a paradox, but when you let go of fantasies of porn-perfect encounters and self-imposed pressure to perform like a stallion, it gets so much easier to indulge in the delights of your lover’s body and have a first time together that you’ll both remember with a smile.
