Our new series DI-SexY leads us toward Valentine’s Day with sizzling insider secrets about sexy new skills to try out. Each week, we’ll serve up a new and intriguing topic for you with tips from the pros and enough basics to get you started. Although we’ve timed it for Valentine’s Day (no surprise, a busy time for us!) the topics were chosen to make you feel amazing any time of the year and regardless of whether you have a partner, and to work for people of all genders, orientations, and relationship statuses.
Welcome to DI-SexY, your skill-building series for erotic talents of all kinds! Let’s get right down to business and talk about stripping for your lover.
…wait—no, back it up a moment. I’m sooooo excited to be kicking off this series with our first post, which is going to transform your relationship to your body and reduce your lover to a steamy lust puddle. Are you ready to learn? Are you SURE? I can tell you that what’s under the headings in this post is so hot, so playful…ooooh, I just can’t wait to see your face when I reveal my secrets!
(see what I did there?)
I’m Diva Darling, and while you may know me as a frequent voice on this blog or perhaps an educator at the store in the Before Times when we had workshops in person, I’m also a burlesque performer and teacher. Before that, I was a passionate fan of the art of the tease (still am!) Both onstage and in the dance studio for class, I’ve found burlesque and striptease to be life-affirming, body-positive, revolutionary acts that not only changed how I move through the world but have done the same for countless people of all ages, races, genders, orientations, and body types/abilities.
This post isn’t going to turn you into a professional or even amateur burlesque stage performer—though you’re welcome to drop a comment or contact the store if you’re looking for more resources for that. Rather, today, I’m sharing some secrets of taking it off and shaking it up right in the comfort of your bedroom for your lover or even just for yourself. By the time you finish this, you should have what you need to start playing around and finding your sexy.
Why Striptease?
I could write a whole post just about why striptease is so great. Short form, few things are as hot as someone confidently—and slowly—revealing themselves bit by bit on their own terms and really feeling themselves as they do. For you, it’s a way to connect with your body and your sexuality that changes that connection for the better. For your lover(s), they’re experiencing you as a gift intended only for them in that moment.
Sex is too often back-burnered in our busy, stressful lives—and then sometimes we forget to turn the burner on at all. It’s squeezed in among our endless to-do lists, and it’s very easy to get too brisk and efficient and forget to savor each other and ourselves. Striptease insists that we take the time to enjoy every moment, to draw out pleasure, to make room for surprise and delight.
I Feel Awkward!
That’s okay! Nearly everyone feels at least a little nervous or clumsy or weird when they first try their hand at the tease. No one wants to look goofy or be so wrapped up in their body issues that they feel self-conscious the whole time. Here are my two best pieces of advice:
1) Practice alone for a while, and in that space, give yourself permission to be dorky and awkward and bad at it—absolutely no pressure on yourself to be sexy or feel great; and
2) There’s nothing wrong with deciding you don’t want to do it after all and that it’s not for you. Maybe you’ll come back to it later, maybe you won’t. Either way, it’s fine.
I lied—I have a third piece of advice. Don’t think about it from the perspective of how your body looks (and especially how it measures up to mainstream beauty standards). Think instead about enjoying how your body feels when you’re in a groove. Think about the pleasure you want to give your partner’s body through contact with yours. Think about loving on each part of your body as you focus on it. And work without a mirror if stressing about your “imperfections” is going to interrupt any of that.
Let’s dig into my secrets to get you started!
Secret # 1: Music is key
You CAN strip without music, and it can be super hot. But music affects our brains and our moods (check out my “Sounds of Seduction” post from our 5 Senses of Sex series for more on that) so it sets the atmosphere and gives you something to hook into to find your vibe.
Start listening to music that makes you feel sexy or sensual when you hear it, especially anything you can listen to a lot without getting sick of it (believe me, you will want this when practicing!) Music with a strong beat, or a slow aching groove, with sexy lyrics, with low or breathy voices, these are all great places to start. Make a playlist. Listen to it without doing anything else, so you feel really familiar with each song. Pay attention to which ones make you want to move in a sexy way.
I recommend starting out with something a little slower-paced, because it’s easier to strip when you take your time, and also because you want to really understand that the point of this is not to rush.
Secret # 2: You don’t have to dance
If you want to dance while you strip, if you like dancing and it makes you feel like a sex deity, go for it! But if you feel more like rhythm-less eighth grader at their first mixer and it makes you feel dumb, the good news is you can skip that part. Using music will still help ground you in the moment and get your juices flowing, but you can focus more on the whole “unwrapping yourself” part.
For that matter, don’t feel like you need to wander around your space. You’re actually going to look more confident if you only move when you have purpose—to get closer to your lover, to get farther away, to hide behind the closet door, to straddle a chair.
And even more to the point, this doesn’t even have to be a “performance”. You can simply stop your partner at the point where they or you would normally tear off your clothes, tell them you want them to watch you, and undress yourself in a slow, deliberate, teasing, sexy way while you stand in one spot or kneel/lie on the bed. Some of us are more dramatic than others, and that’s okay. Do what feels right for you and your partner(s).
Secret # 3: It’s all about the reveal
The “reveal” is the key to burlesque and striptease, and it includes more than you think. A reveal is anything that was hidden from the audience and gets shared with them when you choose to let them see it. The obvious reveal is a body part, but it could be an item, a change in your mood or persona, a piece of clothing (like a bra hidden under a shirt), an action (like a new dance move or leaning in for a kiss), even something silly or outrageous like drawing a whipped-cream heart on your torso.
In a burlesque act, which is usually 3-6 minutes long, there will be several reveals—one every 30-45 seconds on average, to give you an idea what good pacing feels like. Some will be small and not very surprising, and there’ll be a few (rarely more than 3) that are bigger and more unexpected. Hinting at a reveal before it happens creates mystery and excitement, and the reveal itself is a burst of energy that keeps the whole thing riveting.
If you’re stripping for your lover (and not for yourself alone), think about what your reveals might be. Are you showing off new lingerie? Maybe trying out a chair-dancing move you’ve been practicing? Will you shift mood from coy and flirty to fiercely dirty? Are you wearing nipple clamps under that bra? Maybe you have a bowl of berries and honey tucked out of sight on your dresser that you’ll break out to feed them. It’s totally up to you.
Secret # 4: You don’t need special clothes—but you do need the right ones
Great news! Exploring striptease doesn’t require dropping hundreds of bucks on specialty lingerie like corsets, boas, and thigh-high stockings, and it doesn’t require you to be able to move in platform stiletto heels. Of course, you can wear all of those things if you want, and a lot of people enjoy the excuse to buy impractical and gorgeous things, but I’ve performed in everything from Chuck Taylors or bare feet to hoodies and hospital gowns (true story) and I promise you can make almost anything work.
But just because you can wear almost anything doesn’t mean you can wear any old thing. The most important technical part of striptease is making sure that your clothes are prepped for smooth, easy peeling. Trust me, I’ve gotten tangled in my own clothes onstage and it definitely changes the mood! Some of the most gorgeous lingerie you can find is actually terrible for stripping because it’s hard to get in and out of.
When deciding whether to use a piece of clothing, practice taking it off. Are the hooks sticky? Does the zipper snag? Do you fumble with the buttons? Ideally, you want things that you can control when unfastening them, and that slide right off you when you’ve loosened them. Snaps, ties or drawstrings (don’t knot them!), reliably-smooth zippers—these are all your friends. Things you can open a little bit at a time (a single snap, a short zipper length) allow for lots of teasing. And if you have something you want to use because it looks great but is a little awkward to remove, you can always alter it—swap out small hooks for bigger ones, tuck some snaps into that button-down shirt, cut open the sides of your panties and sew in ribbons to tie them closed.
A word about pasties: Pasties are fancy nipple covers, with or without tassels, that come in all shapes, sizes, styles, and colors. They’re a mainstay of burlesque, where performers generally can’t (and often don’t want to) get completely nude, and they can be a fabulous reveal because they’re unusual and eye-catching. Also, tassel-twirling? HOT. But for private “shows” like this, you should know that keeping pasties stuck to you for the strip means they’re not at all sexy to remove—or easy—and they can leave adhesive on your nipples. Use them if you want to leave them on through anything that follows, but skip them if nipple play is your favorite part of sex.
Secret # 5: The eyes have it
Striptease is like flirting: It’s the art of making someone else feel like the most breathtaking, fascinating person in the world even for just a moment. Watch any great burlesque performer, and even in a theater of 1000 people, they’ll somehow make you feel like they’re looking right at you and bringing you in on their delicious little secret.
Be bold about making eye contact with your lover while you strip. Their eyes will rove over you, but when they look at your face again, they’ll see your attention on them and your desire for them radiating out—and that is HOT. For that matter, let your feelings play out across your face, because expressions make it all the sexier. Smiling, pouting, winking, slyly checking them out, baring your teeth, it’s all great.
Secret # 6: It doesn’t have to be feminine—or straight
No one could fault you if, when you hear “strip for your lover”, the picture in your head is a hypersexualized and very feminine one with heels or lace or patent leather or bras. But the burlesque world is full of queer artists of every stripe, and of performers across the gender spectrum with every possible kind of gender expression. Watch drag kings or Magic Mike to see masculine sexiness in action. You can be androgynous, fluid, or otherworldly—lots of drag performers create personas that are unique and even strange in their aesthetic. Striptease is for everyone!
(And yes, that includes fat bodies or older bodies. I’m a fat burlesque performer over 40 and I know many of us who are well over 40 and/or who are fat, and all of us have brought sold-out rooms full of people to their knees screaming with applause as we strip! Trust me, you are sexy when you strip, and your lover loves your body because it’s yours, and you will be able to excite them with your striptease.)
Secret # 7: The more you love on yourself, the hotter you are
One of the most the most transformative parts of doing burlesque, for most people, is how differently they end up feeling about their bodies (for the better). The reason for it is that in order to really sell your tease, you have to act like every part of your body is the most luscious, sensual, glorious thing you’ve ever experienced. It might be all an act at first, but over time, it becomes more and more real.
Onstage, the way to bring someone’s attention to where you want it is to look at it, touch it, or move it. If you’re lowering a bra strap off your shoulder, you might gaze lovingly at that skin, or run your fingers ever-so-lightly over it, or give your shoulder a sexy little roll as it’s freed. Revel in each part of your body as your focus goes there, and you’re both displaying a smoking-hot confidence and communicating to your lover that this part of you is special, sexy, thrilling, beautiful to see and feel. Believe me, they will want to follow your lead.
Secret # 8: Draw it out
There’s a reason it’s called a “tease”! With every step of your strip, make a promise about what’s coming—but savor the anticipation, even fake them out a bit. Open two buttons and pull your lapels apart, then draw them closed. Untie your shortie robe, turn your back as you hold open the sides, and take a loooooong time to shimmy it off your shoulders before you let it drop to the floor—and then make them wait before you turn around to show what was under it.
Because it’s not actually a stage performance where you normally wouldn’t talk, you can also tease through the things you say. “Oh, I’m sorry– did you want to see more of this?” right after you’ve teased a bra strap down and back up. “Hmmm, maybe I’m feeling generous tonight…” as you lower it again, even more slowly this time. Play with them, too– lean in as if for a kiss, then hover just barely not touching their lips, but letting them feel your breath on their mouth. Straddle their lap, but don’t let them touch you yet. Remember that you’re in (enthusiastically consensual) control right now!
Secret # 9: A basic glove peel
I’m sharing this with you because it’s such a classic part of burlesque striptease, and the one technique that almost everyone is fascinated by. Long, stretchy gloves aren’t common things to wear anymore, but they seem so glamorous and sensual that a glove peel feels really special. Also, nothing will drive home my points about loving your body and seeing your lover’s delight in it than seeing how incredibly sexy a simple bare arm can be!
To play with this, all you need is a cheap pair of costume gloves, the shiny stretchy kind. (Vintage gloves are beautiful, but often a lot harder to remove.) Put them on, but don’t pull them too tight. You want to leave a little room in the fingertips, just enough to pinch. Enjoy the gloves themselves first. Admire your arms, the color and shimmer. Stroke them with your fingertips, or caress your face or body with your gloved fingers.
Now gently tug each of the fingertips of one glove in time to your music, feeling it loosen—you can do this with your other hand or your teeth. When it’s loosened, take hold of the fingertips of the glove and slowly, slowly, pull it. You can be playful, seductive, aggressive. You can grip the glove in your hand, in your teeth, between your thighs, under your foot. You can do little tugs or long smooth ones. When you’ve drawn out the peel long enough, pull it the rest of the way off with a little “pop”. Then you can play with the glove, twirl it, toss it, run it over your body, trap your lover in a kiss with it, even gag them with it if that’s your kink. You can show them your bare arm, caress it, let it run over your body and show how good that feels. Run your newly-freed fingernails over your skin or theirs, if your nails are long enough.
Congratulations, you just did a real burlesque performer move!
Secret # 10: Have fun with it
As steamy and raw as burlesque can be, at heart, it doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s playful, sly, even ridiculously absurd. Don’t be afraid to be over the top or silly. If something goes wrong that you can’t hide, lean into it and make it funny. And relax! This is just a way to share yourself, your self-love, and your desire for your lover with them. It’s not an actual performance or a competition, and by the time you share it with someone, it should feel like something fun that you’re excited to do. If it’s not, you have my permission (not that you need it) to scrap the whole thing and do something else instead.
Ready to Get Started?
One of the side effects of the COVID pandemic is that even more quality instruction in every topic has moved online. If you want to dig into specific striptease dance or peel techniques, you can find lots of classes and tutorials on YouTube or TikTok or Instagram. The internet is full of lists of music to strip to, to round out your playlist. You can shop for almost any type of strip-worthy clothing online without worrying about getting up the courage to hit a dressing room.
I recommend getting your hands on a copy of burlesque legend Jo Weldon’s essential book, The Burlesque Handbook, for all kinds of tips, techniques, and peeks behind the sequin curtain, especially if you like to get nerdy about your interests.
Here are a few video clips available online that I think are great for inspiration and for understanding the power of attitude and the connection between the stripteaser and the recipient—as well as showing off some different genders and moods:
- Christopher Walken’s old-school strip in Pennies from Heaven is a fantastic masculine burlyq, as is Richard Gere’s “All I Care About Is Love” number from Chicago. Who knew sock garters were so sexy? (spoiler alert: I did!)
- Jamie Lee Curtis’s striptease scene in True Lies is a perfect example of how awkward and dorky can turn into something incredibly sexy!
- Joe Manganiello in the surprisingly-feminist Magic Mike XXL does a smokin’ dance in a gas station in sweatpants to make the clerk smile—exactly the way you’ll be focused on delighting your lover.
- Marion Cotillard’s “Take It All” number from the movie Nine has some great classic burlesque moves with things like gloves and a boa, even if the act overall is much angrier than what you’re probably thinking of doing.
- Nothing beats the “You Can Leave Your Hat On” scene from The Full Monty for showing how a combination of awkward dance moves, non-mainstream-beautiful bodies, and great enthusiasm can come together into a truly sexy and delightful tease—and their stripping techniques are good, too!
- Although there’s not a lot of stripping in it, Alan Cumming’s performance as the iconic Emcee doing “Wilkommen” in Cabaret shows his skill with teasing and is full of steamy genderqueer sexuality.
I wish you all lots of body self-love and steamy stripteasing!
Drop your comments if you have a recommendation for a great striptease resource or a question for us! And check back next week for our post about how to give your lover a great massage.
