Time for some real talk: Sex isn’t always great. Sometimes, it’s not even good. It’s completely normal and natural to sometimes run into discomfort or pain when you’re trying to get to pleasure, and even more normal to feel frustrated or disappointed when your sexytime gets shut down by it. It’s natural to feel fear about even trying something like anal play because you’ve heard that it can hurt.
The good news is, you don’t have to just give up and live with it. It doesn’t mean you’re broken or hopeless. Being sex-positive means being honest with ourselves and our partners about what our bodies and emotions are telling us, and paying attention to where it hurts so that we can take care of it and get what we need to shift back to pleasure and to heal.
Your body is not wrong.
There isn’t anything “wrong” with you because you’re experiencing or fearing pain when it comes to sex, even if you have a medical condition or some kind of trauma that needs treatment in order to heal. Your body (or your emotions) are simply telling you that there’s something that you need to do differently in order to take care of yourself, to feel comfortable or to connect with your pleasure. It’s tempting sometimes to get angry or upset with yourself for not being able to just easily dive in and have a great time having sex, but the truth is that we all have things we need to adjust, things we can and can’t do, and that every body experiences pleasure in its own unique way.
What I’m getting at is this: You don’t have to change to have fulfilling sex. The sex you have needs to change to fit you. What is normal sex for you is normal sex, period.
When something hurts in your sex life, it’s time to explore it and start learning where it’s coming from and what the causes might be so that you can find out what you can do about it. Let’s talk about some of the different types and causes of pain you might be feeling during sex, and some ways you can respond to them.
Pelvic pain during intercourse
According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, as many as 3 out of 4 people with vulvas and vaginas may experience pain during penetrative sex at some point in their lives—but other studies have suggested that less than half of them will seek out medical care for it. If you’re having feelings of burning, cramping, sensitivity, or painful pressure during sex, it could be due to something as simple as a yeast infection or urinary tract infection that can be easily treated. It could also be due to a number of medical conditions like endometriosis, IBS, polycystic ovary syndrome, thyroid conditions, or an STI that you may or may not be under treatment for. Some medications can also have side effects that make sex difficult.
Some people experience vaginismus, which is when the muscles of the vagina spasm and tighten so that any kind of penetration is difficult and painful or even impossible. Often it comes with (or provokes) fear and anxiety, creating kind of a catch-22. For some people, taking some outside-of-sex time to practice relaxing while using vaginal dilators or doing Kegel exercises (alone or with weighted Kegel balls) to stretch and strengthen pelvic floor muscles will be enough, but others may need additional help from a pelvic floor therapist. If you’re feeling anxious about talking to someone, a book like When Sex Hurts can be a good starting place to understand what’s going on with your body.
Trying something new
Sometimes, pain is a warning flare that just means that the thing you’re trying out needs some help. Anal play is the perfect example of this—most people expect penetration to hurt and may get nervous, tense, or afraid when trying it out. But with enough patience, lube, conscious relaxation, and gradual increase, it doesn’t have to hurt at all. Feeling a moment of pain or strain is a sign to slow down or stop, add more lube, use a smaller toy, or all of the above. Anal play is also a really great example of a new sex act that will go a lot better the first time if you seek out a workshop, book, or video to help you and your partner(s) learn how to do it correctly before you try it out.
Likewise, a new position, toy, or type of play might feel uncomfortable or painful because your muscles are overly tensed, or you need to make an adjustment, or the size or intensity are too much too soon. Don’t rush yourself—you have nothing to prove, and exploring is half the fun of doing something new!
Everything is better with more lube
One of the most common reasons for something sexy to go sideways is simply that there’s too much of the bad kind of friction. Let’s throw out all these ideas that our bodies “should” be wet enough on demand all on their own, shall we? There are countless reasons why you might not be super-slick in the moment, including being in a room with air that’s too dry. Take a date night trip to your friendly local adult store and ask the staff to help you find a lube or two that feels good to you and your partner(s) and suits your planned activities (for example, getting a water-based lube to use with your silicone toy). Then, use lots of it! Don’t be afraid to add more throughout your playtime. Anytime that something rubbing starts to irritate rather than excite, add more lube. For an intro to using lube and understanding the types out there, check out our post about the basics of lubricants.
Your body is unique
Every body is different and has its own needs when it comes to sex. Maybe you have knee or back issues that make certain positions uncomfortable. Maybe your partner hits your cervix if they’re on top. Maybe you have a very fine line between “really turned on” and “painfully overstimulated”. Maybe you have chronic pain or a disability that needs accommodation. (If you do, a book like The Ultimate Guide to Sex with Disability can help you with everything from self-image to positions.)
Guess what? All those things are normal. You have every right to use foam supports like Liberators, or rule out certain positions, or use toys or aids, or make whatever adjustments you need in order for your body to be supported, comfortable, and stimulated in the ways that give you pleasure and eliminate pain and discomfort.
The walls come tumbling down
Oof—it’s hard when you go into sex expecting to feel great, and unexpectedly find yourself sobbing or angry or fragile or just suddenly really not turned on, for seemingly no reason. Emotions can be unpredictable things, and the intimacy of sex (and/or the intensity of a particular kind of sex) can punch holes in walls you didn’t even know you had up.
Sometimes, you just need a good cathartic release, and the best thing for that is an understanding partner (if you’re having partnered sex) or some self-compassion (if you’re having solo sex). It’s okay to stop and get what you need, whether that’s a little time alone or a nice long cuddle.
In the BDSM world, there’s an important concept called “aftercare”. Because kinky play can be very intense in a variety of ways, people who do it understand that even when everything was great and ecstatic, any of the partners involved is likely to feel a bit of a crash afterwards. So, there’s time negotiated in advance to check in and take care of each other afterward and to expect to be shaky or vulnerable or even to cry or feel anger. It’s a great tool for non-kinky sex as well, especially if your everyday life has been very stressful or demanding and you’re spending a lot of your time trying to keep it all together.
Stuff isn’t OK between you, turns out
It’s never fun to realize that there’s a problem in your relationship when you’re having sex, but that can turn out to be the one place where you can’t hide from the flashes of resentment, jealousy, doubt, or just plain loneliness you’ve been trying not to feel. Or, things can seem fine outside the bedroom, but you’re so out of sync with your partner when it comes to sex that it ends up being more upsetting than enjoyable.
Even if you didn’t feel like you needed to stop when you first felt it, you might discover that you’re avoiding sex with your partner because it’s too painful to face the feelings that come rushing to the surface while you’re being intimate. If that’s the case, then it’s time to talk to them—outside the bedroom. If you’re not sure where to start, a wonderful resource is one of our favorite recommendations, Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, which offers a lot of great tools and concepts for talking with your partner about conflicts that come up in the bedroom. In the meantime, it’s okay to not want to have sex while you’re working things out…and it’s also okay to decide that sex, or a mindful sex practice like sensate focus, is an important part of keeping you connected and helping to heal your relationship.
Things got a little primal
Sometimes, you get caught up in the moment—you wanted your penetration rough, or you brought in teeth and nails, or got carried away in some way that left its mark. As long as everyone involved felt okay about what happened, all this needs is some physical TLC for the sore spots and maybe the recognition that you might need sex to be gentler, or even off the table, until you’re less tender. Just make sure that if you’ve discovered bruises, abrasions, or broken skin, that you clean and treat those areas right away.
Likewise, if you’re bringing in some deliberate pain play (if you’re trying out some BDSM) or intense sensation play, you might not feel like those sensations are sexy until your body has been aroused enough or allowed to adjust to them, or until you’re in the right headspace. If your partner’s new to it as well, it’s also possible that they haven’t learned enough to do it correctly, and it’s best to stop and try taking a class or practicing on something other than a body before trying it again. Once again, you have nothing to prove—ask for a different intensity or type of sensation, or for help getting mentally plugged in to your scene, or tell them that it’s not working for you. Take it slow if you need more build-up; feeling un-sexy pain during pain play means you’re not ready for that yet or that you’ve found one of your limits. Which leads me to…
You just don’t like it
Sometimes, you thought you wanted to do a position or act during sex—maybe even one you’ve done before—and it turns out that you’re just not enjoying it. You might be feeling pain or discomfort because you really aren’t into it. Maybe just not now, maybe not ever.
And that is totally OK.
Don’t be afraid to get help.
If you’re having regular, persistent, or severe pain during sex (no matter what genitals you have), visit your doctor or a facility like Planned Parenthood that provides access to affordable reproductive health care. There’s no reason for you to feel like you just have to suffer through sex, even if you’re feeling embarrassed or awkward about dealing with it. Don’t spend time just hoping it goes away, when it might be something easily treated or it might be a symptom of something more serious. There is no shame in needing medical care, even if it’s for an STI. A good doctor will never make you feel bad about your medical issues.
Likewise, if you’re experiencing severe or ongoing emotional pain related to sex and you’re not already receiving care, reach out and seek some professional help. If you don’t know where to start, look for local trauma or sexual abuse support hotlines that may be able to provide you with referrals, or if you have an education-based adult store in your area, call and ask them if they have any networks or practitioners they can recommend. Your medical doctor may also be able to connect you with support resources and recommendations. You don’t have to go it alone or “just get over it”. Whether physical or emotional, if your pain feels bigger than you or isn’t going away, you deserve to get the support and resources you need in order to heal.
Do you have questions about how to make sex more comfortable for you, or where to find resources or professional help to deal with emotional or physical pain during sex? We welcome you to contact us and ask for help—we’ll do our best to guide you towards the products, people, books, and workshops that can make sex better for you.
