DI-sexY: How to Give the Best Sensual Massage

Our new series DI-SexY leads us toward Valentine’s Day with sizzling insider secrets about sexy new skills to try out. Each week, we’ll serve up a new and intriguing topic for you with tips from the pros and enough basics to get you started. Although we’ve timed it for Valentine’s Day (no surprise, a busy time for us!) the topics were chosen to make you feel amazing any time of the year and regardless of whether you have a partner, and to work for people of all genders, orientations, and relationship statuses. Check out our first post, about stripping for your lover (or yourself).

Shocking sex educator secret: Being sexy with your lover doesn’t have to involve any sex!

Okay, maybe that’s not a revelation to you, but it will be for some folks. For our second DI-SexY post, we at Lotus Blooms teamed up with popular guest educator and massage therapist Chè Monique as well as some of our other local bodyworker friends to talk about how you can give your lover sensual, relaxing touch that may or may not be a prelude to sexytimes.

DISCLAIMER: Although we got some safety and technique tips from licensed massage therapists, we want to be very clear that a professional massage is very different from giving your partner a massage at home. The pros adhere to strict ethics and rules around clothing and coverage, space between bodies, types and areas of touch, and the tone of the whole session. It’s a bodywork therapy treatment for health and wellbeing, not sex work. That’s why our sex educator staff weighed in to offer tips about intimacy and sensual/sexual touch between partners.

Now that we’ve clarified that, let’s get hands-on!

Why massage is so great for partners

Intentional, sensual, soothing touch makes a huge difference for most partners in deepening intimacy and connection, in showing love and feeling cared for. We say “most” because it’s also important to note that some people aren’t comfortable with a lot of touch, whether because of trauma/abuse or sensitivity issues or chronic pain or any number of reasons.

But when it’s good, it’s very, very good. Gentle, loving touch releases oxytocin, helps you relax, and encourages bonding between partners. Check out our “Touch of Lust” post from our 5 Senses of Sex Series for a deeper dive into the art and science of touch, and our “In Full Bloom: The Love Language of Touch” blog post from our 5 Love Languages series for more about people who really, really love touch.

Right now, when most of us are still very isolated due to COVID and have been for months, it’s especially important that if we can be with one or more partners, we make sure to help each other get the touch we’re starved for. The pandemic has also heaped us all with stress and trauma, and it can be really hard to find the time and energy to truly relax and release any of that.

And, sometimes getting sexual doesn’t feel quite right, or it’s hard to feel sexy without a longer, slower buildup. Massage can both keep you connected when your sexual energy is low, and let you take your time getting “back into your body” to be ready to shift into sex.

But good intentions alone don’t make for great massage, so we’ve collected some tips to help you and your partner find bliss at each other’s fingertips.

Tips for setting the mood

Send your partner off for a warm bath or shower, or get in one together. Heat is great for relaxing muscles and preparing your partner to really unwind. (Bonus: if you’re using oil or lotion, it’ll make their skin even softer if they just bathed.)
Shut out distractions and make sure you have privacy. That means turning off both your phones, too!
Lower the lights or shift from overhead to lamps, and light a candle or two if you have them.
If neither of you is allergic to scent, use aromatherapy candles, room spray, oil diffusers, or massage oil with natural fragrances to bring in scent-sual delight.
Make sure the room is warm enough for being undressed without shivering.
Music is a powerful way to set the mood, but keep it low enough not to be distracting. White noise or “atmosphere” sounds like a beach soundscape can be very relaxing, too.
As the person giving the massage, dress comfortably so you can move and stretch and not get overheated. Chè Monique suggests wearing loose, soft clothes that feel nice when they brush against your partner’s skin.

Tips for positions

All our massage therapist experts agree that if you don’t have a massage table, one of the most comfortable positions is to have the receiver straddle a chair with a high back and a pillow under their head. (A neck pillow in front of their face can cushion their face while allowing them to breathe.) It’s less tiring for the giver and allows the receiver to relax.
Depending on the height of your bed, it can also work to have the receiver lie face-down– Chè recommends lying across the foot of the bed if you don’t have a footboard in the way–with the giver standing, sitting on a stool or chair, or kneeling beside it. She advises giving the receiver a pillow to hug under their upper chest.
Another possibility is for the giver to sit up in bed or on a couch with their back supported and the receiver’s head in their lap, allowing the giver to slide their hands under their partner’s neck and shoulders.

Tips for places to touch

Unlike professional therapists, intimate partners aren’t limited in where they can touch during a massage. However, there are still spots to avoid, and places that are better for one kind of touch than another.

Anyplace that has a lot of muscle mass is generally safe for massage– butts, thighs, upper back, upper arms, calves.
Avoid putting pressure on any areas where bones are close to the surface, and be extra careful when massaging anywhere near the spine.
Don’t neglect hands and feet! Exercise care and go gentle with them, but both of those can be incredibly relaxing areas for attention.
Areas that hold a lot of tension for most people, according to our experts, are all the muscle groups connecting the neck to the shoulders– both front and back.
Chè Monique advises exploring your partner’s body for spots where touch feels wonderful but that are often overlooked because they’re not the usual erogenous zones– insides of elbows, backs of knees, inside and back of thighs, bellies.
For areas that are less safe for pressure, you can still touch them if you vary the quality of your touch and stick to lighter strokes.
Face and scalp rubs should be gentle, but can be incredibly soothing places to touch your lover.

Tips for pressure and quality of touch

How much pressure is too much? Chè Monique reminds us that every body is different, and that most of the time, there will be a pain response well before you could hurt your partner. Some people really crave deep, intense massages and tolerate them well.
That said, another therapist suggested that untrained people leave deep tissue work to the pros to play it safe. Her advice was for the receiver to notice their own reactions– if it still feels good, it’s probably fine. But if you’re tensing against it or holding your breath, your partner should lighten up.
It’s true that for a sensual massage between partners rather than a professional therapeutic massage, it’s more in the spirit of things to stick with light to medium pressure. After all, you don’t want the giver to get worn out, and the receiver should be feeling relaxed and blissful.
Chè also advises using a variety of touch styles and tactile sensations. Alternate slow pressure strokes with light fingertip or fingernail brushes, gentle taps or light drumming, soft squeezes, and even the caress of long hair, silky clothing, feathers, or fur.
We’ll add from the sex educator perspective that you can incorporate soft kisses, licks, or nibbles, as well as touching nipples and genitals. However, you should make sure you’re both okay with transitioning from sensual to sexual touch, and it can be really effective to prolong the leadup and circle around erogenous areas for a while before paying direct attention to them.
Our massage therapist experts remind you to go slower than you think you need to– and even slower than that. Take your time, be really intentional, and pay focused attention to each area to make it feel truly amazing.

Tips for the massager’s safety and stamina

All our experts agree: You should use leverage over force. That means that instead of trying to draw on your own strength to press harder, you should position yourself to lean in with your body weight. It’s safer and less tiring.
Pay attention to your position as well as your partner’s. Your comfort is important, too! If you’re leaning over too far or twisting your torso, you might go from de-stressing your partner to putting yourself in pain.
Vary the ways you touch, shifting among hands, forearms, and tools to keep any one part of you from getting worn out. Use knuckles over fingertips for focused pressure.
Chè advises bracing body parts against each other: thumbs against each other or the opposite hand, wrists held straight against the other arm.
She also says that when massaging her own partner, she likes using lunge positions to give her access to more leverage. One foot or knee on the bed and one on the floor, she says, can be a very versatile position.

Tips for props and tools

Using a little lotion or massage oil, say our massage experts, can make for easier strokes– as long as you remember that a little goes a long way. Using too much can make it hard to control what you do. And remember to warm it in your hands!
You don’t need a fancy massage oil, says Chè. A natural oil like jojoba, coconut, or even olive will do (but don’t use virgin or extra virgin, which has a stronger smell).
Our sex educators add that silicone lube like Uberlube can make for a fantastic massage and a smooth transition into sex play– and caution that not all oils made for massage are safe for vulvas, silicone sex toys, or condoms. Plan ahead!
We’ll also note that, although it’s become a joke that vibrators are often marketed euphemistically as “personal massagers”, many vibes do actually work well for massage. The famed Hitachi Magic Wand was originally developed for neck massage, in fact. Just don’t press too hard, or you could break it.
Massage candles are another level of sensuality to explore. These are made from soy, hemp, or other natural oils that get solid at room temp and that may or may not have essential oil fragrances mixed in. Light ‘em up and let ‘em melt, and you have a deliciously hot (but not hot enough to burn) oil to dribble on your lover’s skin.
Use pillows or sex supports like Liberator wedges to help position the receiver in a way that is comfortable for them and makes their body easier for the giver to access.
Ice can be a delightful addition to your sensual massage. The temperature play, the dribble and trickle as it melts, and of course water is the ultimate in body-safe.
There’s no reason you can’t experiment with other tools like massage balls, foam rollers, wooden rollers, or acupressure props, but you don’t need to buy lots of fancy items to give your partner a massage to remember.

A note on going it solo

Maybe you don’t have a partner right now, or maybe your quarantine conditions or living situation keep you apart from your lover. Does any of this still matter for you?

The good news: Absolutely! While it feels amazing and relaxing to put yourself in someone else’s hands, there’s no reason you have to be denied this kind of pleasurable, sensual touch when you’re going it alone. Give yourself a self-care night with a long bath or shower and take your time afterward, maybe warming up some rich moisturizer in your hands to rub long and slow into your skin, taking time to soothe and de-stress your own muscles.

Or, use it as a chance to explore your own body. Where does it feel good to touch, that maybe you’ve never received touch before? How does it feel when you touch your own skin with the sensual intimacy you’d use with a lover? This can be a prelude to masturbation, or simply something you do to make your body feel alive and delicious.

Got any tips, product recs, or strength-saving tricks for sensual partner massage you want to share with us? Drop them in the comments! We’d also like to thank Chè Monique and our other massage therapist friends for sharing their insights and expertise with us. If you’re in the DC area when it’s safe to receive bodywork, we recommend checking out the queer-owned, body-positive, and inclusive Freed Bodyworks for a true treat for mind, body, and spirit, or visiting Chè in Alexandria for therapeutic massage at Alexandria Massage Therapy.