This is the third in our five-part series of posts exploring the languages of love and our recommended resources and gifts for connecting more intimately with your partner based on which ones are strongest for them. You can also check out our posts about gift-lovers and touch-lovers.
Welcome back to our “In Full Bloom” series about the five Love Languages! This week, we’re unpacking what it means to have Quality Time as a primary language for you or your partner. In some ways, this is one of the hardest love languages to have at this point in time. With so many of us working overtime or multiple jobs, plus countless other demands on our time, plus the fact that being plugged into our devices around the clock means we’re always multitasking, it’s often hard to carve out enough togetherness at all, let alone quality time.
The good news is, the one thing that will make the most difference is the thing that doesn’t require extra time itself: Being intentional. Even if you and your partner(s) only have a little bit of alone time, you can turn it into an intimate, bonding experience just by committing to it together. While weekend trips, special events, and celebrations are going to be treasured by your Quality Time lover and shouldn’t be ignored, even something as simple as doing household chores together can be quality time when you’ve made the effort to shut out distractions, give each other real attention, and use the time to open up to each other.
Is Your Partner a Quality Time Lover?
If Quality Time is a primary Love Language for your partner, you’ve probably gotten some hints of it. When they talk about any of their relationships, they’re more likely to talk about memories of special times together (and what made them special). They’re the kind of person who wants to take you out for a birthday or anniversary rather than give you a physical gift. They might be the type who likes to throw parties for every occasion, or who plans all the office birthdays. If you’re talking about your needs as a couple or moresome, they’re likely to ask for more time together—and if you spend a lot of everyday time together but you’re both distracted or tired, they may feel that the time doesn’t “count”.
Ways to Build Intimacy with Your Quality Time Lover
If you’re local to the Washington, D.C. area, one great way to show your love in a way that will make them feel loved is to sign up for one of our in-store workshops together. We offer them every week and cover a wide range of topics, so you’re sure to find one that intrigues you both! With our lovely, lush interior and relaxed, playful approach, they make for a great date night option where you can really focus your attention on each other.
Taking a workshop doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your sex life—it’s a way to learn more about your bodies and maybe pick up some new sexy skills. It’s like taking a cooking class just because both of you love good food!
And if you do need to rekindle that spark, the first step is making some time where that’s your only priority. Plus, we’re in an area of Old Town Alexandria that’s often topped “Most Romantic” lists for its cobblestoned, boutique-lined streets and date-worthy restaurants, so you can make a whole evening of it.
(If you’re not local to D.C., look for adult stores in your area. Your nearest city probably has an education-based shop that offers workshops!)
Explore Each Other with OMGYes
Another great way to share intimate quality time, if you or your partner has a vulva, is to get a Season 1 access pass for the innovative web-based sex education service OMGYes ($39). Created based on extensive research with thousands of people from all walks of life and dedicated to pleasuring vulvas and clitorises based on tested real-life evidence, this website offers a series of “episodes” each dedicated to a different technique.
Each one is packed with videos and graphics for exploring that technique, but the real innovation is their touchscreen videos, which allow you to practice what you learn and get feedback on it.
The episodes are structured in a way that makes it easy for you to spend as much or as little time as you have to go through them, on your schedule. Enjoying them together not only gives you something to look forward to when you’re curling up in bed with your tablet, but also opens the door for talking about your bodies and what gives you pleasure in a way that could lead to whole new discoveries about yourselves!
Bonus: If one of you is primarily a Touch lover and one of you is primarily Quality Time, you’re both getting your needs met in a way that’s meaningful to both of you at once.
Form Your Own Private Book Club
Spending quality time together doesn’t have to be about elaborate plans or expensive getaways. Choosing a book centered on your sexual needs or desires and using it as a springboard for exploration or reconnecting is a simple, sapio-sexy* way to make your lover feel important and valued.
We’ve often sung the praises of Emily Nagoski’s life-changing book Come As You Are ($16.99), but it really is good enough to deserve another recommendation. If you’ve discovered that you and your partner have differences in your sex drives that are affecting your relationship, this book offers a framework for understanding and talking about the things at the root of your desires and inhibitions so that you can find a meeting ground together. Although it’s centered around women’s sex drives, people of any gender can relate to the outside sources affecting desire, like stress or distraction or self-image.
*”sapiosexual” is a term that means finding intellectual pursuits and smart people sexy!
Sex: An Erotic Journal for Sexual Inspiration and Exploration by Margaret Hurst ($19.99) is a beautifully illustrated book designed for couples to use together. Every few pages covers a different topic and offers creative prompts, quotes, and spaces for writing or doodling, and it’s intended to get couples sharing fantasies, memories, thoughts, and ideas. You can jump around to the pages that stand out for you, go through it beginning to end, or use it as a starting place for a more freeform erotic journal you create together.
And of course, there’s always the sexy book club classic—finding erotic fiction you both enjoy, and reading it aloud to one another! If one or both of you also has Affirmative Words as a high-ranking Love Language, and either of you struggles with “talking dirty” (which, by the way, is not uncommon!), then reading erotica to each other can help you get used to saying sexy things out loud while also letting you discover which ones you both find…”affirmative”.
Try Out a New Toy Together
Contrary to popular belief, vibrators are not just for solo masturbation. And trying out insertables, supports, and sensation toys offers a little bedroom adventure even if your regular sex style is working great for you. They’re called “toys” because using them should be a fun and playful way to spend time together!
In fact, some sex toys are made with couples in mind. The We-Vibe Sync ($199) is a wildly popular vibrator that was designed to be used during penetrative sex for mind-blowing sensation. Not only that, but it and the also-beloved We-Vibe Nova ($159) offer hours of fun playing with the possibilities of the mobile app that they can be connected to. Create vibration rhythms that match your favorite get-it-on songs, try out different patterns and intensities, and even share quality time when you’re apart by controlling the vibe from anywhere in the world and using the encrypted face-time feature to see the effect you’re having on your partner.
If you’re curious about anal play (and lots of people are!) then a string of beginner-friendly silicone anal beads like the Fun Factory Flexi Felix ($37) and a set of “trainer” plugs like the Pop! Plug Trio Set ($65), paired with a thick, water-based lube like Sliquid Naturals Sassy ($16.95), is a perfect combo for lovin’ on the Q.T. Exploring anal pleasure requires taking your time, paying close attention to the recipient’s reactions, and lots of communication—all of which are also necessary for meaningful time with each other.
For those of you who also have Receiving Gifts as a primary Love Language, toys are a great way to show each other love—the Gift Lover gets the joy of unwrapping a present that reflects their favorite kind of sex, and the Quality Time Lover gets the satisfaction of shutting out the world to use it together.
Serve Up Some Sexytimes
What if one of you is a Quality Time lover, and one of you is primarily driven by Acts of Service?
Setting up time to give or exchange sensual massage is another classic intimacy-time option, and one you can step up a notch in erotic bliss if you experiment with a massage candle like the J-Squared Massage Candle ($22)—or the Seagrape Edible Massage Candle ($22). Made with soy wax bases, natural oils and (in the case of the Seagrape) natural flavors, they’re made to melt at low temperatures, offering muscle-soothing heat and skin-safe, silky ingredients that make for a date night in where everyone feels connected and taken care of.
Or, if your quality time together involves vibrators or other toys, a great little follow-up to make the Service lover feel cared for is to take charge of cleaning your toys afterward—keeping a bottle of Mighty Tidy Toy Cleaner ($7.95) in the nightstand makes for quick and immediate cleanup before diving back in for an afterglow cuddle!
What Do You Think?
Now that we’ve introduced you to just over half the Love Languages, we’d love to know—how has knowing about them affected your relationship, or just your understanding of yourself? Are you making any surprising discoveries? Sometimes, you can go in assuming you know what your Love Language is, or what your partner’s is, and then realize that the order of priority is totally different than you expected. Drop a comment and tell us what you think! We’ll be bringing you the final two languages over the next couple of weeks, so stay tuned for Affirmative Words and Acts of Service.
