How are you loving yourself lately? Are you enthusiastic about your solo sex, taking every opportunity to indulge in some self-pleasure? Or do you hold back, feeling inhibited or embarrassed, maybe thinking that masturbation is somehow pathetic or shameful? Are you rubbing one out on the run, quickly relieving your craving for orgasm so you can get on with your day? Maybe you feel like it’s just so-so and wonder if you’re missing out on something better.
In honor of National Masturbation Month, I wanted to do some real talk around solo sex to break through the stigma and discomfort around it, celebrate its many benefits, and offer some tips for even better self-satisfaction. Hopefully, by the end of this post, you’ll be eager to make a hot date with yourself!
Sex-negative myths and stigmas
First, let’s bust some of the shame-inducing ideas that so many of us have absorbed about masturbation. If you’ve been reluctant to love yourself because of these messages, you’re not alone. It’s normal to have mixed feelings about pleasuring yourself. It might take time to shake these psychological shackles, but if you can do it, your new feelings of freedom will be—well, orgasmic.
- People only masturbate when they can’t get anyone to have sex with them. This is a big cultural myth, and it implies that masturbating makes you a loser. But masturbating has nothing to do with your number of sexual partners, and even the most sexually active people do it. Plus, you’re making yourself feel great—I call that a big honkin’ WIN.
- Masturbation isn’t “real” sex. Let me tell you, this is my biggest soapbox. Sex with yourself is no less “real” or valid than any other sex, and “real” sex doesn’t require another human being “letting” you have sex with them. In fact, I take it farther—I firmly believe that sex is, at its core, your experience of erotic pleasure; an individual experience that you may or may not choose to share with anyone else. Imagine how different our sexual culture would be if we didn’t view sex as a limited commodity to which access depended on other people to find us worthy of it, but rather something we were empowered to give ourselves any time we wanted?
- Self-love is sinful. I can’t change your religious beliefs, obviously, but this one is a belief that can linger with people who have left their religion behind but still find themselves bound to the ideas they grew up with. If this is you, then I can assure you that sex educators, therapists, and other experts consider masturbation to be healthy, normal, and beneficial.
- Masturbation is addictive. There are certainly people who have compulsive or addictive behaviors around sexual pleasure, but that didn’t happen because they masturbated too much. Calling it “addictive” is like saying that you have an addiction to water because you get thirsty multiple times a day.
- It “replaces” sex with partners and hurts relationships. In a healthy relationship with good communication, masturbation isn’t going to take away from anyone’s desire to have sex with their partner(s). It’s not a pie—masturbating doesn’t mean there’s less sex available for your partner. If anything, it’s good for relationships because it takes the pressure off of both/all partners to be in the mood at the same time every time.
- Doing it means my partner isn’t attracted to me. Similar belief to the one before—but in reality, masturbation is totally separate from relationships. It doesn’t say anything about how much someone loves or desires their partner; it just means they wanted some pleasure.
- It’s dirty/gross/weird. It’s true that we tend to treat masturbation as kind of a nervous joke, making fun of it and giggling to deal with our discomfort. But there’s nothing any stranger or less normal about it than any other sex act.
Reasons you should love yourself as often as you desire
Of course, no one has to masturbate. There’s no magic number of times per week that you should do it in order to be sexually healthy. Some people have a very high sex drive and will want to get themselves off one or more times a day. Others have a very low or even next-to-nonexistent sex drive and will very rarely if ever want to masturbate. What’s normal for you is normal!
If it’s something you’d like to start doing, or want to do more of, however, there are some great reasons to pleasure yourself on the regular.
- It reduces stress. We all know the “fight-or-flight” response, yes? Well, what follows when the moment of tension is past is that the body’s parasympathetic responses kick in, helping the body relax, heart rate go down, and breathing become deeper and slower again. This is also what happens right after orgasm.
- It boosts your mood. Sexual pleasure releases a flood of feel-good chemicals including dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins that are key players in your good mood and can help beat the blues.
- It relieves pain. The endorphins and other chemicals released during sexual pleasure and orgasm can ease pain sensations (for example, menstrual cramps or headaches) and raise our pain thresholds.
- It’s a great way to learn more about your body. When you’re not focused on connecting with a partner and giving them pleasure, you can take your time discovering what you really enjoy sexually. Which parts of your genitals are most sensitive? Which spots do you like direct stimulation on, and do you like more pressure or more friction, a harder touch or a lighter one? What parts of your body give you feelings of arousal when they’re stimulated? The more you know about your own pleasure, the better you can communicate with a partner, and the greater pleasure you can experience on your own.
- It lets you try new things on your own terms. Curious to see if stimulating your G-spot will make you squirt? Want to try getting used to anal penetration? Not sure if you’re into nipple clamps, or hot wax? The majority of sex acts can be done with or without a partner, and nothing limits you to using only your hand or a vibrator, or only stimulating your genitals, when you’re getting yourself off. Masturbation is a great way to learn how to use various toys or try out sensations.
- It centers your pleasure alone. Without a partner present, the only pleasure that matters is yours. You can relax and enjoy exactly the kind of sensations you want, in the order you want them, at the intensity you like best. Your mind is free to spin whatever fantasies or mental images you find sexiest.
- It helps your relationship with your body. Most of us struggle with self-image issues and have trouble loving our bodies. Masturbating is a way to take the focus off of how we look or how others see us, and to simply be present in our own flesh, enjoying the sensations of erotic pleasure as well as the pleasure of feeling our own skin, our shape, our arousal.
Tips for mastering masturbation
If you feel like you’ve been masturbating the same way all your life, or you’ve never really explored it and are curious to see where self-love can take you sexually, here are some ideas for expanding your solo sex repertoire!
- Try new toys. If you’ve never tried a vibrator, visit your local friendly sex store and let the staff help you pick one out! But there are countless toys that can take your self-love to the next level—those with penises might try a stroker (there are also strokers for trans men) or a prostate-stimulating toy; those with clitorises might love the newer toys that aim to replicate oral sex. Anal toys, kegel-training toys, and even some BDSM toys are all perfectly usable for solo sex.
- Let your hands (and toys!) wander. Many people think of masturbation as being totally genital-focused, but there’s no reason it has to be. Explore other sensitive areas of your body, starting with your anus or nipples, but even traveling from there to your belly, inner thighs, the crease of your elbows, your butt—anywhere you can reach!
- Take your time and make a “date” with yourself. Show yourself some deep self-care by taking a night in alone. Get naked or put on your favorite lingerie, set the mood with lighting or music, make up the bed with fresh sheets, and let yourself enjoy your pleasure for as long as you like. Why should all your best sex time be limited to dates with partners?
- Let your imagination roam free. What fantasies have you barely let yourself explore? One of the benefits of masturbation is that you can think about anything (or anyone) you want, or read erotica, or watch porn. Enjoy the things that make you the hottest!
- Learn more about your body. Do you know why certain kinds of touch feel better in some places? Do you know how big the clitoris actually is? Brush up on your sexual anatomy and discover things you may never have known about how your body works.
- As always, lube! Lube is not just for partnered sex. Use lots of it on your toys, and don’t skimp when you’re touching yourself with your hands, either. Lube makes everything better, including masturbation.
- Breathe deep. A lot of times, our instinct is to breathe quickly and shallowly, or to hold our breath, during sexual pleasure. However, deep even breaths will actually enhance your enjoyment and help you build towards orgasm, if that’s your goal.
- Speaking of which—orgasm is optional. Orgasms are awesome, and if you want to have them, great! However, it’s totally legitimate to masturbate just because it feels nice, and not to worry about orgasm at all. It’s totally up to you, and it’s not less “real” if you don’t cum.
Feeling an urge to explore? I hope you’ll go forth and have a great time discovering new levels of pleasure for yourself, not just this month, but throughout the year!
