What You Need to Know About Sex & Coronavirus

Ed. Note: This article is updated as new information emerges and the situation develops. The most recent update was completed on April 14th, 2020.

In the space of a couple of weeks, our everyday lives have been turned upside down by the spread of coronavirus around the world. We’re dealing with a flood of information—some of it contradicting each other—about how to be responsible about helping to prevent the spread of COVID-19 without creating a panic, and figuring out our social lives is still a big question mark.

It’s easy to know what to do when your choices are made for you, when schools are closed and workplaces mandate work-from-home and events are canceled. We all know that social distancing is crucial to managing the outbreak, but how much distancing is enough? And how do we handle our most intimate contact? Do we need to give up sex altogether in order to be responsible?

We wanted to take this chance to answer some questions about sexuality in the time of coronavirus, to clear up some confusion and also offer you some ideas to stay sane and sated throughout this fearful, anxiety-provoking time.

Naked facts about the spread of coronavirus

This might not feel like an extreme reaction right now!

Should you still have sex with non-live-in partners, or new partners? Initially, even the experts were divided on how much small-scale contact anyone should have right now. However, as the pandemic has spread throughout the U.S., it’s time to get very serious about social distancing, and every contact that we all can limit is one fewer risks of transmission. Remember that many people who carry the virus won’t ever show any symptoms, but can still pass it to others, so you can feel perfectly healthy but still unknowingly pose a risk to others.

Consider your situation carefully, including your own health situation—are you over 60? Are you immunocompromised? Do you have one of the chronic health concerns (like diabetes or COPD) that put you in a higher-risk category? If so, you should limit your outside contact as much as you possibly can in every possible way.

If you have a non-live-in partner, especially if neither of you is in a high-risk category, if neither of you has to work in essential services outside the home, if you live relatively near each other and can avoid contact when traveling to each other, AND if you can be confident that neither of you are making anything but essential contact (like deliveries), it’s possible you could decide that your households are “virus bonded” and have in-person contact only with each other. That only works, though, if you’re sure that you wouldn’t be doing things much differently than if you did live together. Even if each of you only has physical contact with 1 other person outside your homes, you’ve lost all control over monitoring your chains of contact. In all honesty, although it’s painful to remain separated, at this point we’re all better off if none of us have contact with anyone outside our homes unless there’s an absolutely essential reason for it.

Why? Think about not just your own life, but your role as a member of a worldwide movement to contain this virus. Are you in regular contact with people who are higher-risk? Do you live in a dense urban area? Think of the game “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”, where you try to connect any actor to Kevin Bacon via a chain of fewer than six actors who have worked in movies together– it was astonishing to realize that it rarely if ever took more than 6 degrees to connect him to any working actor. That’s what’s at stake here– two people, one carrying the virus and one not, can live in separate time zones and have no knowledge of each other, yet there can be a chain of transmission between them that’s only a few people long. We all have to be responsible for the health of our most immunocompromised, most disadvantaged members of society.

Remember that you can carry the virus but be asymptomatic– that means that you feel perfectly fine and seem healthy, but you are still contagious. With tests in such short supply that they’re often only given to people showing serious symptoms or who were definitely exposed, you may never get the chance to know whether you transmitted coronavirus.

Right now, that means not hooking up with new partners in person at all, and probably (we recommend) not seeing partners you don’t live with. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s a short-term precaution to prevent a long-term devastation.

Most states have now made it illegal to gather in groups of any size, so you probably don’t even have the option for play parties or orgies right now—or even fully-clothed dance parties where bodies are packed in tight and there’s a lot of making out. Many BDSM dungeons and sex play spaces responded to the crisis by canceling events or closing down altogether before they were required to, and most states have now closed down any non-essential public spaces.

[If you do go out on dates, take advantage of the coming of spring to meet up outdoors or at least in less-populated, spacious areas rather than small or enclosed ones.] –Ed. Note: We’re leaving this in as it was part of the original article, but updating to say that dates outside your home are not a good idea right now. We suppose you could meet someone outdoors for a walk if you maintained 6 feet or more distance between you, but in good conscience we can’t recommend any in-person meeting that’s not essential. Consider getting takeout from a small restaurant that’s likely to be hit hard by people staying home, or having cozy nights in at home with your domestic partner.

(And a side note on that– if you’re getting takeout, please consider getting Chinese or Asian food! Racism has resulted in Asian people and their businesses in the U.S. being boycotted, harassed, or even assaulted. No one population is at greater risk, or poses a greater risk to others, for coronavirus. Support Asian-owned businesses, because they’re part of our country and our communities and they deserve our business– as well as a lot more respect and fair treatment than they’ve been getting. And please call out anti-Asian racism anywhere you observe it, and make it clear that you won’t tolerate it. Please remember that the virus is coronavirus and the illness it causes is COVID-19– calling it the “Chinese virus” or any of the many other even more awful Asian-based nicknames is both inaccurate and extremely racist, stoking the fires of violence against Asians.)

Cleanliness is next to sexiness

Hopefully, you know by now that one of the best things you can do to prevent coronavirus transmission is simply to wash your hands as often as possible, for 20 seconds minimum, with soap. There are tons of pop culture guides out there for things to sing or recite to ensure that you’ve gotten the full 20 seconds, but for a sexy twist, may we recommend singing some “Sexual Healing”? Or maybe take a page from When Harry Met Sally and practice your orgasm noises. (OK, that’s like a full minute in the movie, but wouldn’t it be great to inspire your sink neighbor to want to “have what she’s having”?)

If you need to go out, and/or you’re choosing to visit a virus-bonded partner you don’t live with, establish some simple routines for risk-reduction when you get home or to their house, mainly washing your hands before touching anything, and changing clothes if any of them were coughed or sneezed on or (for example) if you use your sleeves to touch door handles. Otherwise, experts say you don’t need to be obsessive about changing or washing clothes— unless you want to strip in the foyer to get right down to sexytimes!

Most areas are now also requesting or requiring people to wear face masks when out in public at all, regardless of their health status. We loved the social worker who wore a sassy penis-print mask that could only offend people if they got too close! (You might be able to order one– or a boob or vulva print one– from her; if she is still supplying them, proceeds benefit her nonprofit that supports substance abuse recovery.)

Don’t forget to regularly clean your phone. It’s the one item that is likely to touch as many public surfaces as your hands do, and that also touches your face. (Unless you’re a millennial or zoomer, in which case you might be wondering why anyone would put their phone against their face. Legit.) Keeping your phone disinfected means safer sexytimes with DM flirting, sexting, or racy selfies.

Check your phone’s manufacturer for recommendations on how to clean it so that you don’t damage it, but in general a 70% rubbing alcohol wipe followed by a pass with a microfiber cloth (wash it after use) should do the trick. You can also use phone cases and screen protectors for easier cleaning.

What about your sex toys? Like we said, coronavirus isn’t sexually transmitted, and unless you’ve been passing your toys around for lots of people to touch, you probably don’t face any higher risk from your toys than you do from any other ordinary object. The exception would be anal insertable toys, but if you’re limiting your contact anyway, even these probably pose no more risk than being up close and personal with your lover in the first place.

Still, if you want to play it safe, the best thing you can do for any silicone, glass, metal, or ABS plastic toy is to wash the surface with soap and water, rubbing as you go. The reason that friction is so important is that the virus lives within an envelope that helps it infect a host, and friction disrupts the coating and thus its ability to infect. Don’t use bleach or alcohol on your toys– they’re not body-safe for you, and they can damage your toys. In general, any sex toys that would come into contact with your mouth are non-porous and can be sanitized, and any porous fabric items (like blindfolds or lingerie) that could come into contact with your eyes, mouth, or anus are not hospitable to the virus for very long, even though there’s not a lot of information yet about exactly how long it can live on fabric. Experts so far don’t feel that clothing and fabric retain living virus for very long.

For your toys, consider also investing in toy storage bags like the Sugar Sak Anti-Bacterial Toy Bag, with a lining coated in an EPA-approved bioshield seal that inhibits the growth of bacteria, fungi, and viruses.

What we’ve learned from STIs

If you’ve been responsibly sex-positive prior to this pandemic, chances are good that you know a lot about STI prevention and communication. You’ve probably kept your tests up to date and learned how to talk with a new partner about your status, their status, and how you will protect each other during sex. You also might be part of the growing movement to destigmatize STIs, to take them seriously while not treating them as “dirty” or a punishment for being sexual. (Here are 5 people who can help you learn more about that!)

All of the good habits we’ve practiced are so useful now in dealing with coronavirus– treating it as a serious issue while not going overboard or scare-mongering, avoiding bigoted and harmful terms and misconceptions, taking solid precautions to prevent transmission, having very honest discussions with your partner(s) about your contact outside of your relationship with them, and learning how to take care of your own health if your partner is infected while also caring for them. Unfortunately, we don’t have the access to coronavirus testing yet that we do to STI testing, but we’re hoping it won’t be long before we can share informed statuses with each other.

Ways to stay sexy while social-distancing yourself

So, you’re avoiding public gatherings, hunkering down at home, and giving up on dates and sex with anyone you’re not already living with. What now? The good news is, you don’t have to go on a sexual starvation diet on top of your isolation. You just need to get a little creative!

• If you’re living with a partner or spouse, neither of you has symptoms, and you’re already in close contact, you can still cuddle and have sex—and in fact, it might be soothing for you both.
• Fan of dating apps? Draw out the getting-to-know-you phase online with private messaging and sharpen your verbal flirting skills (and up your emoji game!)
• Long-distance lovers already know the power of Skype or Facetime dates—it’s your choice whether you watch the same movie together on the call, or whether you full-on get down to sex camming for each other.
• Likewise, if you love taking nude selfies, steamy sexting laced with pics ranging from the playfully naughty to the downright graphic can get both your engines racing.
• Not comfortable being nude or sexy on camera? Message or text each other to spin your hottest fantasies.
• For those who don’t hate talking on the phone, that’s also an option for getting frisky without visuals. Listening to your lover’s orgasm can be intensely hot! There’s a reason that phone sex operators are still thriving even in an age where so many people don’t talk on the phone.
• Speaking of sex workers, there’s been a boom in demand for phone sex and cam girl services, even as sex workers around the world struggle to deal with the one-two punch of social distancing and the ongoing devastation of SESTA/FOSTA. Sex work is real work, and if you’re interested in trying out one of these services for the first time, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that (unless it violates trust within one or more of your intimate relationships). OnlyFans and NiteFlirt are two popular sites for online sex work right now.
• Play competitive games on your phones—but institute just-for-you rules to make it a strip version.

• Like to write? Revive the lost art of the love letter. Send it by email and take your time lavishing your lover with descriptions of the way they make you feel and what you’d like to be doing to them. It’s something they can treasure for years afterward, and sometimes it’s easier to put your deepest feelings into written words than to say them out loud.

• Enjoy ethically-produced porn. It’s absolutely normal to like watching porn, and it’s not just for cismen. “Ethically-produced” means the actors are paid fairly and their safety on the set is a priority, that the scenes don’t include racist or other oppressive ideas, and that the content is sex-positive. Here’s a list of places to check out. And pay for your porn—many free sites use pirated clips of movies they don’t own.
• Literary bent? Enjoy some erotica, either downloaded to your e-reader from a bookseller or found on sites like Literotica. Bonus points if you and your lover read it aloud to each other—and extra bonus points if you feel inspired to try your own hand at writing!
• If you really like aural sex, there are a number of sites online where you can check out a variety of audio files that are anything from erotica readings, to scripted scenes, to erotic hypnosis sessions, to orgasm recordings. Quinn is a newer site that features user-created content and is working on a virtual tip jar feature for content creators.

The We-Vibe Chorus couples vibrator

Why sexual satisfaction is good for you right now

It might seem like, in the face of a global pandemic, talking about sex and dating is a little frivolous. But let us assure you, it’s absolutely not. Social isolation, while important for “flattening the curve” on the spread of coronavirus, carries two big risks to your mental and emotional health and well-being: skin hunger and anxiety.

Of course, it’s perfectly natural to be scared and anxious during a time like this. But living in a state of constant distress takes a real toll on your health—from disrupted sleep to excess cortisol to physical tension and nausea, and even lowering your immune response. Sexual pleasure is a great source of stress relief, and it’s a time when you’re turning off the news and the stream of fearful posts on social media and focusing instead on something delightful and enjoyable. Plus, there’s (not yet proven) scientific speculation that masturbation can boost your immune system, which would be a great side benefit right now.

“Skin hunger” is what we experience when we go too long without any form of affectionate or soothing touch. It increases feelings of isolation and loneliness, triggers anxiety and depression, and leaves us feeling disconnected and generally crummy. This is why, if you do have a partner you can be intimate with during this time, it’s good for both of you to at least cuddle, massage, hug, or stroke each other, and also to be sexual together. If you’re single or staying distanced from your lover, though, you’re not out of luck. Touching yourself—self-massage, masturbation, or even just gentle rhythmic strokes on your own skin—can help alleviate skin hunger. Consider using sensation toys like fur mitts, feather ticklers, or Wartenberg wheels to make the contact feel more like you’re receiving it from someone else.

Bottom line, it’s healthy and positive for you to incorporate sexual self-care into your overall self-care plans as we do our best to protect ourselves and each other from coronavirus. Take some steps to make sure you’re able to get the relaxation, connection, and hope-sustaining benefits of sex and pleasure in among your cleaning, telework, and canceled plans.

Need some new sex toys or erotic lit to get you through your self-imposed quarantine? We’re staying open with enhanced safety protocols for the time being, and we’ve implemented virtual shopping consultations and online shopping parties to help you find exactly what you need. What are your favorite ways to stay sexy while things are in shutdown? Drop them in the comments!