You don’t have to be hardcore kinky to exercise a little restraint in your sex life! It’s very common (and totally normal) to have fantasies about tying your partner up or using some kind of cuffs or other bondage toys during sex. The sensation of being restrained in some way is very erotic to a lot of people, as is the desire to take charge and do the restraining.
For some people, it’s that sense of doing something a little taboo that makes it exciting. Some people enjoy the power exchange of domination and submission that can go along with bondage. Others find that there’s a sense of deep trust and vulnerability that happens during bondage that makes their intimacy with their partner even more intense. And sometimes, it makes sex great simply because the restrained partner can’t do much except receive pleasure—which might be the first time they’ve been able to experience sex as a back-and-forth exchange instead of always trying to think about giving pleasure at the same time as trying to receive it.
But before planning a wild night of knots and locks, you’ll want to understand the different kinds of bondage toys and tools out there, how to make sure you’re getting good quality, and how to use them safely. All toys are definitely not alike! You can also actually harm your partner or be harmed yourself if you don’t learn some basic safety first.
Let’s start with the types of toys and gear that are out there:
- Ropes and ties: This includes anything you need to put a knot into in order for it to hold, so ropes, scarves, neckties, and things like bathrobe belts go here.
- Wraps: This would include anything that in some way sticks to itself to create the restraint. Bondage tape, plastic wrap, and Velcro closures are your most common wraps.
- Buckles: Toys with buckles are often made of leather or something similarly strong. The most common of them are padded cuffs, though you’ll also see more exotic items like harnesses, long sleeves that bind the arms together, or straitjackets.
- Locks: This category includes handcuffs, cuffs (often, again, padded leather) that fasten with padlocks, chains, or shackles. I would include here some uses of metal clips or carabiners that aren’t exactly locks, but that can be used in place of padlocks.
- Ratchet ties: This is what you’d often call a zip tie—usually a strip of plastic with a threading loop at one end that self-locks when you thread the opposite end through the loop and adjust it to its desired tightness. Although you see these sometimes used in place of handcuffs, I mention them here because I don’t recommend them as a body-safe item for sex. The texture and edges of the plastic can chafe or damage skin, the thinness of them can cause bruising, and it’s very easy to make them too tight or for them to get twisted and cut into circulation.
There are some other types of toys that are very often used in bondage play that aren’t specifically part of the restraint, and we’ll touch on those a bit later. First, let’s talk about these categories and how to choose and use your gear.
Ropes and Ties
If you’re just starting out for the first time with bondage, you might actually not want to jump right to knots on your own. Movies, TV, and books make it look sexy and easy to just grab a silk necktie and get busy, but it’s not quite as simple as that. Invest a little time in going to a rope basics workshop, reading a book like Bondage for Sex by Chanta Rose, or watching a video tutorial. You’ll want to learn how to avoid putting pressure and strain on pulse points like the inner wrist, how to not only tie but undo knots (including quick-release knots that need only a strategic tug to come loose), and how much length you need to do whatever kind of tie you’re attempting.
We generally recommend sticking with cotton rope (which tends to be a little softer) like our Bedroom Rope, or jute (which stretches less and has a rougher texture that some people like) for tie-style bondage. Things like silky scarves, neckties, and the like can put a lot of stress on the body when pulled taut—and if you need to get your partner out of bondage quickly, do you really want to have to cut through an expensive or favorite accessory to do it? Rope is relatively inexpensive, comes in long lengths, and can be easily replaced.
It’s also a very versatile and creative tool for bondage—you can do very simple, light restraints with a few basic knots, or you can learn to do very elaborate patterns just for the beauty of it, or create suspension or strap-on harnesses or more intense ties that restrict movement.
For an option that’s truly beginner-friendly as well as pleasurable for experienced players, I have to recommend BoundAids. They come as a pair, and each one is simply a piece of durable, super-soft plush faux fur with a loop at each end. The loops alone can offer a sensation of restraint without a knot, for extra-light bondage, or you can thread the length through the loop to create a sensual, self-tightening cuff that’s easy to untie.
Wraps
Wraps have the advantage of not needing to be tied or otherwise fastened because they stick to themselves in some way, and therefore can be easy both to use and to get out of. Things like bondage tape or plastic wrap can also be cut off and thrown away after use, so there’s nothing to keep clean, and using it with a different partner means simply using a new piece.
A wrap closure like Velcro on a cuff, for example, offers a pretty sturdy hold with a very easy release. The downside of Velcro is that most toys that use it tend to be made with cheaper materials like woven nylon straps that can be rough and unpleasant to the touch, and the closure itself can be abrasive on skin if it’s not placed correctly. Personally, I’d recommend getting a better-quality padded cuff with a buckle if you want a cuff but want to make sure you can quickly get it open.
If you love the idea of using tape, get bondage tape like Kinklab’s. It’s made for sex, comes in fun colors, and adheres to itself while still being body-safe. It’ll give you the feel of using duct tape without the painful damage you would do to skin by using actual duct tape.
Buckles
Toys with buckles may look advanced or intimidating, but in many ways a padded leather cuff with a buckle closure like our Venom cuff is one of the best beginner toys for bondage. They’re wide, so any pressure on the wrists is spread out over a larger area; they’re adjustable for a snug fit that won’t slide around and cause chafing; the padding makes them comfortable and leaves no hard edges to dig into skin; they’re versatile with many different ways to attach them to each other or to furniture; and the sturdy buckles create a strong hold that can still be quickly and easily released.
True, a good-quality set of buckled cuffs is a bit of an investment, but on the other hand, they’ll last a very, very long time. If you don’t like real leather, you can usually still find good quality faux leather, faux fur linings, or other durable materials. Look for strong steel buckles, belts that don’t have a cardboard core that will eventually crack and tear, and rivets or heavy stitching.
Locks
Let’s start with a word about handcuffs: They’re a really common fantasy item, especially novelty furry ones that are meant for sex. However, there’s a lot that you need to keep in mind if you really want to use them. First, they’re both narrow and made with hard materials, so they can bruise and injure wrists. Second, they have small keys that are easy to lose. Third, many sex handcuffs are cheaply made, upping the chance that the lock will jam or that the cuffs will accidentally get tightened too much. And finally, if you do have an emergency situation that requires getting out of them quickly, it’s hard to cut through them. Honestly, I think there are safer options that are just as much fun. If you do choose to use them, I would advise keeping them loose enough to slip your hand through, and using your own tugging motions to get the sensation of being restrained without actually being tightly locked in.
Other locking toys may combine locks with buckles or have a similar structure to buckled items, but will use a small padlock instead of a buckle. Some toys may also use a screw closure (these are often steel items as well). People who like the feel of metal may use lengths of chain along with locks, as well.
In general, locking toys are going to be better for more advanced play, because many of them are made from metal and require care to keep the bottom (the person being restrained) safe as well as a very cool head to handle emergencies. However, a fabric or leather cuff with locks can be cut off with safety (also called EMT) scissors, so they’re more beginner-friendly if you really like the idea of using a lock.
An alternative to using screws or locks is to use metal clips or carabiners. They offer the aesthetic of metal and the strength of the hold, they’re inexpensive and easy to get, and they’re very easy to release when you’re done.
Related Toys and Tools
There are many toys that make for good fun with bondage that aren’t technically “bondage” themselves. Blindfolds, masks, or mitts are sensory play items that many people like to combine with bondage. Gags restrict speech more than movement, but are also a common fantasy item (tip: look for a silicone gag that can be cleaned more easily and thoroughly than other materials!) Collars play a part in many fantasies—a simple leather collar adds another layer to the power exchange.
Bars like our Liberator Talea spreader bar offer sexy options for restraining wrists or ankles in specific positions and restricting movement in ways that many people find very exciting! And if your bed doesn’t have a sturdy headboard or footboard, you can buy a set of underbed straps to which you can attach your cuffs.
One crucial item that you should buy before attempting any kind of bondage is a pair of EMT/safety scissors, so named because EMTs carry them to cut through clothing, restraints, or anything else that might be in the way of treating an injured person. They’re strong enough to cut through just about any textile, with smooth ends that won’t pierce or scratch the skin.
A Few Safety Tips
With a little care and preparation, it’s not hard to include bondage in your sex play to steam things up! There are just a few safety basics to keep in mind as you experiment, so that you can relax and enjoy the erotic fun:
- Whenever you’re putting someone into any kind of bondage, make sure you know how you’re going to get them out of it—both when things go right (you’re just unbuckling them, or you know how your knot unties) and if something should go wrong (do you have safety scissors to cut through your rope?) Always have a plan for quickly releasing the bottom.
- Since resisting and struggling is often part of the fantasy of bondage, agree on a safeword that you’ll use if the bottom needs to stop. Using common safewords like “red” or “yellow” to mean “stop” or “slow down” ensures you can tell fantasy from reality.
- Never tie or restrain the neck. Although “neck cages” and similar toys do exist, they are not beginner toys. Neck injuries and choking are very easy to do and very dangerous.
- Likewise, be careful about blocking breathing in any way. If you’re using gags or something that covers the mouth, make sure the nose is totally uncovered—and decide on a physical gesture that can replace a verbal safeword.
- Never leave someone in bondage unattended—and don’t try to sleep in bondage.
- Be careful of pulse points in the ankles and wrists. Bonds that are too tight and/or that fasten directly over them can cut off circulation.
- Take it slow when you’re starting out! Even if you’re both really excited, it’s worth it not to rush and to make sure you’re fastening everything correctly and checking in with your partner to make sure they feel good about their position and the feeling of their restraints.
Have more questions? Want to check out any of these items and see how they work? Looking for a good beginner workshop? Stop into the store or get in touch with us, and we’ll be happy to talk to you, do product demos, and recommend resources to get you started.
