‘Our new series DI-SexY leads us through Valentine’s Day and beyond with sizzling insider secrets about sexy new skills to try out. Each week, we’ll serve up a new and intriguing topic for you with tips from the pros and enough basics to get you started. Although we’ve timed it for Valentine’s Day (no surprise, a busy time for us!) the topics were chosen to make you feel amazing any time of the year and regardless of whether you have a partner, and to work for people of all genders, orientations, and relationship statuses. Check out our previous posts, about stripping for your lover (or yourself), taking sexy selfies and boudoir photos, and giving your lover a sensual massage.

Do you pride yourself on your oral skills, but find your tongue completely tied when you try to whisper dirty nothings in your lover’s ear? Get writer’s block every time you try to sext? It’s pretty common to feel awkward about putting your lust into words—and yet, few things are hotter than hearing your partner tell you just how you rock their world.

To help you overcome your language barrier, we turned to some experts in the fine art of being wordy and dirty for tips and advice on getting verbal when the words don’t come easily.

Why am I so awkward?

Very few of us have a natural flair for erotic expression. Maybe you struggled with shameful feelings around sex at all, maybe you started out having sex furtively and had to keep quiet. Dirty talk in movies or TV is often either treated like a joke, or it feels sleazy and objectifying. No wonder we have so many hangups!

Guess what? You’re not alone. Adult performer and sex worker Miranda Zale told us, “This is something I struggle with constantly. I’ve frozen up with writer’s block while trying to say anything explicit to partners, and said some pretty awkwardly worded things while caught up in the moment. So, please never feel bad for struggling with dirty talk. Even the pros have a rough time!”

And then there’s the yuck/yum factor. “There can also be a fear of rejection, because once you’ve said something, you can’t unsay it,” says erotica author and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel, who edits the Best Women’s Erotica of the Year series. “Talking dirty can be very erotic for many people, but not everyone will react the same way.”

Assuming everyone’s into it, how do you stop feeling awkward? “Be the fool,” advises Cameryn Moore, a veteran sex educator and founder of the Smut Slam International sexy storytelling empire as well as a former phone sex operator, who teaches a workshop called “Dirty Talk for Awkward Horndogs”. “Set up a portion of your sexy time to be Sexy Clown Time, Sexy Stream of Consciousness Time. A time when you agree that you can say whatever thing is there, and the other person agrees to go along with it and not give you any strange looks. Start with two minutes and then work your way up to greater tolerances.”

A few of our experts’ other helpful tips for getting over the initial weirdness:

• Make sure you’re both/all on the same page about wanting to talk dirty in the first place. Like everything else, dirty talk should be enthusiastically consensual for everyone.
• Have that chat in a neutral time and place where everyone feels comfortable being honest– not when you’re in bed, getting down to business and more vulnerable to feeling rejected or pressured.
• Miranda suggests matching your intensity to whichever of you is moving more slowly with it, so that no one feels like they have to keep up.
• Just acknowledge that you’re feeling awkward—sometimes saying that out loud makes it feel easier to try.
• Writing might come easier to you at first than looking your lover in the eye and saying something hot. Plus, writing a sext, email, or longhand letter gives you time to think about what you want to say.

What do I say?

Our experts agree that authenticity is key. On the one hand, says Miranda, “It’s easier as a pro, to be honest, because if I start to waver in confidence, I can slip into performer mode.” However, she also advises that you not feel like you have to stick to a script or find an “approved” porn-hot approach, but rather to find your own voice, and what feels hot to you.

“You don’t have to have a ‘strong style’ when you first start out,” says Cameryn. “Get used to saying what you want, concisely. That is a good foundation and will carry you a long way with other people.”

Both of them advise against getting too hung up on worrying about what words to use for various body parts, because they agree that it’s tricky to focus too much on areas of your lover’s body. Miranda’s advice: “I generally try to be mindful of what I know my partner is self-conscious of when it comes to praising them. I’ll still spend time talking about how much I love someone’s freckles even if I know they’re insecure about them, but I’ll be gentler about it and gauge my partner’s reactions more closely to ensure I’m not pushing too far. And, of course, never fetishize.” In general, all our experts agree that it’s often easier and less fraught if you focus on how your lover makes you feel, or on them as a whole person, than on how they look.

“Often you don’t need to say the body part,” Rachel points out. “You can say something like, ‘I love watching you get hard’ or ‘I love seeing how wet you are’. They’ll know what you mean. I would also try to be personal, so if there’s some specific memory you share with them, such as a time you had a hot date or did something exhibitionist or whatever that memory is, reference it. ‘Remember that time we were making out in the movie theater and you slipped your hand up my shirt and that man turned around and was checking us out?’ That makes it feel special and might spark a memory or desire in the other person.”

Here are some other things to keep in mind when thinking about things to say or write:

• Communicate outside of your sexy times about what each of you thinks is sexy to hear or read. While you might love really raunchy or hardcore talk (and there’s nothing wrong with that), your partner might be craving pure romance or something sweet and tender. Try to give them what they want, not just what you want to say.
• It’s fine to turn to porn, erotica, audio-erotica, or other sources for inspiration, but Cameryn’s advice is to jump right in and start trying to find your own voice in small attempts—a single text, a passing compliment.
• Be really specific about things that are unique to your lover, whether you’re talking about how that look in their eye drives you wild, or how they know exactly how to caress your skin. They’ll feel like no one else can do to you what they can—and isn’t that ultimately true?
• Don’t make assumptions about describing actions you don’t have consent for yet. For example, if you don’t know that your partner’s okay with being spanked, telling them you want to spank their ass could turn out to be more triggering than sexy.
• That said, this is a great chance for you to talk about fantasies you have—again, communicating before you get into sexytimes—and explore whether there are things you each think would be hot to talk about that you haven’t done with each other. Sometimes, talking about a fantasy as if you’re going to do it is as far as you’ll want to take that fantasy.

I’m ready to get started!

Time to dive in and give it a shot? Fabulous! Cameryn recommends making a little game of it. “Trade compliments like this every night, or once a week, just sit down and say right, five minutes of why we individually and collectively are so fucking hot together. Anything, to get you talking. Planned or a contained round of random stream-of-consciousness sexy talk action doesn’t have to mean forced at all.”

Not partnered, or feeling bold? Miranda advises practicing with friends! “I have a Discord server where my friends and I all post lewds we took and take turns playfully bantering about how hot those lewds are. Since we’re all friends separated by miles and miles (and, you know, a pandemic) and the expectation of the server is that it’s just playful, there’s none of the pressure of ‘oh my god, what if this person doesn’t want to be with me if I do it wrong’.”

If you’re feeling a little more literary, Rachel suggests turning to famous love letters of old, like the steamy missives exchanged by novelist James Joyce and his wife Nora. “They’re not necessarily a model for what to say but how to convey passion and desire. I always go back to the personal. Tell them what you are really thinking and feeling. Tell them something you would only ever tell them. Make them feel like you want to tear their clothes off the next time you see them. Make them want to treasure your letter (or email or text or voicemail).” 

Or try one of these approaches:

• Once you’ve discussed what level and tone of sexy talk feels good for each of you, look for a piece of erotic writing that you find really hot, and take turns reading your finds aloud to each other. Sometimes it’s easier to say words aloud when you didn’t write them, and you can get more comfortable speaking them.
• Rachel recommends listening to erotica podcasts like The Kiss Me Quick’s or Nobilis Erotica Podcast together– it’s a “safe” way to get over the giggles when hearing explicit language, and it could give you inspiration for whispering or writing your own dirty nothings.
• Leave each other sexy Post-Its in places where only your partner(s) will see them. Keeping it short and sweet, plus the excitement of trying to surprise each other, can become its own kind of game.
• Miranda says, “In my personal life, I try to send at least a little something letting my lover know that I’m thinking about them anytime I get hit with a twinge of desire. If they want to play and have the space, they’ll message me back and we can have a short, tantalizing dirty chat right there in the middle of the day. If they don’t want to play, at least they’ve got the ego boost of knowing how much I want them.”
• Play Truth or Dare together in person or long-distance, where every truth AND dare is about saying something sexy. Caveat: Use a safeword so that either of you can take a step back if anything feels like too much.
• Use the improv rule of “Yes, and…” as a game to show what you like. When your lover says something you find really hot, start your reply with, “Yes, and”—then add something that builds on what they said. For example, if they say, “I can’t wait to get you out of these clothes,” you might say, “Yes, and I’m going to give you a private show when I do.” If that’s a turn-on for them, they can say, “Yes, and when you take your time, it drives me extra wild that you’re teasing me.”
• Drawing a blank? Cameryn says, “When in doubt, be liberal with things like ‘oh god’ or ‘fuck yes’, whatever you use for desperate, urgent emphasis. This will suggest that your desire for the other person(s) has completely overridden your language center.”

Even though all of this may feel unnatural at first, it won’t take long before you realize how much of a turn-on it is to hear or read your lover’s sexiest thoughts put into words and how hot yours make them. Don’t be afraid to experiment and play, and next thing you know, you’ll be a regular sexual wordsmith!