This summer, we’re blogging our way through the basics of all different types of sex toys to give you the lowdown on how to choose ‘em and use ‘em. We’re especially looking at toys that most people have heard of but a lot of people have probably never tried, and that brings us this week to: strap-ons.

Strap-ons have kind of an urban legend quality about them in the world of sex toys, it seems to me—they’re equal parts fascinating and the subject of lots of nervous, giggly jokes. There’s a bit of mystique around them and a lot of people are curious about them but also intimidated. I think a lot of people see strap-on sex as a very advanced or edgy kind of sex play.

Well, I’m here to tell you that using strap-ons is totally normal, a lot more common than you might think, and sexy as hell! It’s a versatile toy that opens up a lot of options for variety in your sex life, no matter you and your partner(s)’ gender or orientation.

First, a little myth-busting

One of the things that holds a lot of people back from ever trying strap-on play is the common myths and fears that somehow make their way into our brains. Let’s unpack these for a minute and hopefully put your mind at ease:

  • If I’m a straight man who gets anally penetrated, it means I must be gay. This is a BIG obstacle for a lot of straight men, and yet the truth is that anal sex with a strap-on has nothing to do with sexual orientation. People of all genders and orientations love it, because the whole anal area is packed with highly-responsive nerve endings. All it means is that you’re a normal human with nerves that send pleasure messages when stimulated with friction or pressure.
  • If I’m a woman with a vulva who likes wearing a strap-on, it means I secretly want to be a man. This is pretty much the same deal. Genitals don’t equal gender, and enjoying wearing a strap-on just means that you enjoy penetrating your partner with a toy. Even people with penises often enjoy wearing a strap-on!
  • I’m afraid that wearing a strap-on won’t look sexy or feminine. Two things: First, there are some more feminine-styled harnesses on the market, like the SpareParts Sasha. Second, people who are turned on by strap-on play are pretty likely to find the sight of their lover in one incredibly sexy no matter what type it is!
  • If my partner wants to be penetrated by a strap-on, it means I’m not satisfying them sexually. Ouch! This is a tough insecurity to deal with, but the truth is that no toy is ever a replacement for a lover’s body or actions. If anything, the fact that they’re sharing this fantasy with you is an act of deep trust, and it simply means they want to add to your shared repertoire.
  • I’m afraid my partner will think I’m weird or deviant if I say I want to try a strap-on. Well, I can’t promise you that your partner won’t have any hang-ups about it, but I can say that it’s a normal and common thing that lots and lots of people enjoy. I’d advise introducing the topic gradually and when you’re both feeling relaxed and playful together—maybe start by asking to share some fantasies, and say that you like thinking about or looking at images of strap-on sex, and see how they respond. If they don’t seem into it, see if they’ll tell you why. It may just take some time to get them used to the idea, or it may turn out that they really just don’t want to do it. It may also take a few conversations, or a shared trip to your local sex store to learn more about it together. Good luck!

 

Choosing your gear

It’s understandable that the idea of using a strap-on can be a little overwhelming. There are a LOT of choices out there, and there are a number of decisions you’ll need to make as you pick out your toys. If you live in an area with a good, education-based sex shop available to you, it’s definitely worth it to go in person and have the staff help you get set up—this is an investment and a store sex educator can really make a difference in helping you making the best choices for yourself.

If you don’t, or if you’re just not quite ready to talk to someone outside your relationship about it, that’s okay too! There are plenty of places online that you can order high-quality, body-safe toys from, and many, many websites and articles that will help guide your choices.

So here’s what you’ll need to get started with strap-on sex:

  • An insertable toy with a wider, flat base or some other way to stay in place (such as another insertable end)
  • A harness or a brief that’s made to hold an insertable toy
  • Lube that works with your toy (e.g. non-silicone lube for a silicone toy) and your intended sex play (e.g. anal play usually requires a thicker lube)
  • An O-ring that fits your toy, if your harness doesn’t have the right size or a stretchy ring and if it allows switching out rings
  • Condoms, if you’re going to use your toy with more than one partner and/or you want to be able to switch among anal, vaginal, and/or oral sex in the same session
  • (Optional) A stabilizing support like the SpareParts O Stabilizer ring if it turns out that your insertable toy’s base isn’t quite wide enough to hold it in the right position for you
  • (Optional) A small bullet vibe, if your harness has an interior pocket to hold a vibrator for extra stimulation

Some of these things are pretty self-explanatory, or we’ve covered elsewhere (check out our blog about lubes!) so let’s stick to talking about the two biggest choices you’ll make: Your insertable, and your harness.

Harness Types

There are three main types of harness when it comes to wearing a strap-on toy that sits in your pubic area:

  • Briefs look like underwear that has a ring in the front, for example the RodeoH Brief and Harness.  For some people, these are going to feel more natural and comfortable, or will be more aesthetically pleasing. They’re likely to be a softer material because they have overall more coverage. The downside for some is that they do cover the wearer’s anus and genitals, and for some people especially those with rounder bellies, the waistband may not go high enough around the body to stay in place.
  • Thongs are sort of a middle ground—they can be made with materials more similar to briefs, or they can have adjustable straps, with one of those straps running from the base of the front panel between the wearer’s legs and up to the waistband in back in a thong style. Some people like the stimulation of the strap between their legs, while others find that a thong style doesn’t give them enough stability or support.
  • Double Strap styles like the popular SpareParts Joque are usually very adjustable. They have a waistband and front panel that connects to two straps that go around the outer thighs and under the butt. The waistband and each strap are some combination of stretchy and/or adjustable to fit many sizes and shapes. Some people don’t like the look of them as much as other types, but they tend to sit a little higher in the waistband and can overall feel more stable and secure especially for bigger bodies. This style also leaves the vulva, perineum, and anus exposed, which some people prefer.

Within those types, there are also other variations for you to choose. Some have a pocket for the balls, some have a second ring for another insertable or a flesh penis, some have an interior pocket for a small vibe, some have a stretchy O-ring built in, while others use metal rings that can be swapped out with straps that unsnap. Again, if you’re able to go to an adult store and try a few on, that’s an ideal way to find one that’s comfortable, fits well, and feels good to you.

There are also a few other harness types out there that are more specialty—you can get ones that wrap around your thigh, for example, or ones that combine a gag or mask with a harness. You can also construct a beautiful-looking harness out of rope with some shibari-style patterns. Those are all a little outside the scope of this post, but it’s worth mentioning that they exist.

Insertable Toys

We can, and probably will, write an entire blog post sometime about dildos—the sheer scope of the variety among them makes for almost infinite styles and combinations of choices. For purposes of this article, we’ll touch on a few of the more important choices to make.

  • Overall Look: Do you want something that looks exactly like a human penis? Or are you looking to go exactly the opposite, with something phallic that’s a shape and color that is completely abstract? Or perhaps something a bit whimsical in between those extremes?
  • Base: You can get something that has a flat, circular base a little wider than the shaft. It might be part of your fantasy to use a toy that has realistic balls at the base. Or, you might want something like the Fun Factory Share, that has one end that goes into the vagina (dildos like these can sometimes be used without a harness at all, because the pelvic floor muscles hold it in place).
  • Material: Silicone is probably the most popular choice—it cleans easily, it’s body-safe, and it feels good to the touch. Dual-density silicone dildos are ones that have a firmer core with a softer outer layer to more closely simulate the feel of skin. You can also find body-safe choices made from borosilicate glass, wood (when properly sealed), and elastomer. Avoid cheap jelly or PVC dildos, which are not body-safe. Tantus, Vixskin, and Fun Factory are all reputable brands that make quality toys with safe materials.
  • Size: When you’re looking at sizes, consider not just the girth but also the length. Allow perhaps an inch for the length that will be taken up by the harness. If you’re planning on primarily anal play, consider how fleshy the bottom’s butt is, and the top’s belly is—you might want extra length if either of you has some padding in those areas. And remember, something that looks small when you’re holding it may feel a lot bigger when it’s inside you, especially if you’re not used to being penetrated.
  • Shape:  It’s not just a question of whether it looks like a penis or not. There’s a wide variety of shapes, from totally smooth and uniform, to ones with bulbs at the tip for g- and p-spot stimulation, to ones with ridges of varying sizes (and therefore intensities). Some are completely straight with some flexibility, some are curved, some have a slight angle.

When you’re starting out, make the best choice for the type of penetration you’re planning to do and for the pleasure and needs of the bottom’s body wherever it’s going to be used. Chances are that once you start playing, you’ll want to experiment with other types of play or other styles of insertable and you’ll start adding to your collection!

Ready, set…play!

Now that you’ve gotten all your toys and your harness is adjusted and comfortable, you might be so excited that you just want to dive right in, so to speak. Hang on! Make sure you leave yourselves plenty of time to get used to everything and to try out different positions and see what works best for you. Here’s a few tips for beginner play:

  • When you’re wearing a strap-on for the first time if you don’t have a penis, it can feel odd to discover how low your new equipment sits. It can help to try it on and just wear it for a little while outside of sex until it feels a little more familiar and natural.
  • Likewise, if you’re not used to thrusting, you might discover that it’s tiring or difficult to keep up a steady rhythm! Don’t be disappointed if you’ve fantasized about pounding away at your lover like a machine—just focus on how much fun it will be to keep practicing until you have more stamina.
  • Use lots of lube. And then use more lube. Take breaks to refresh your lube and keep things nice and slick, especially if you’re having anal sex for any length of time. Since strap-on penetration can last as long as both partners want it to, it’s important to be lubricated enough to prevent micro-tears in the vagina or anus.
  • Yes, it can be incredibly hot to perform a blow job on a dildo! For the person giving it, the position and the experience of having a mouthful can be extremely erotic, and for the person receiving it, the sight of their partner and the sensation of tugging on the harness can be a super sexy combination. If the other end of the dildo is inside them, or the harness or dildo also uses a vibe, that adds to the stimulation too.
  • Having the strap-on wearer laying or sitting with their partner on top is a great way to enjoy penetration if the wearer isn’t able to thrust for long—the partner on top can grind and move at their own pace, which may be easier for both of you.
  • Don’t be afraid to use pillows or foam supports or bolsters like Liberator sex supports to achieve positions you both love and feel comfortable in. Whatever you need to do to experience pleasure is normal sex for you.
  • Take your time, especially if the partner being penetrated isn’t used to having something inside them! Use fingers and mouths and other toys like vibrators to stimulate their bodies first and to penetrate them gradually. When you’re ready to try the dildo, take it slow and keep asking your partner if it feels good. You may want to use one hand to find the hole while the other hand guides the tip of the dildo inside (yes, finding the hole can be a challenge for anyone!) If your partner says it hurts, stop. Only push forward when your partner feels comfortable with where they are and is ready for you to give them a little more.
  • It’s normal for someone to not be fully penetrated the first time you try out your toys. If your partner’s having trouble relaxing, or it turns out your toy is too big, or they’re just feeling like they went far enough that day, that’s ok! Neither of you “failed”. All it means is that you trusted each other enough to experiment, and you have more to look forward to if you both want to try again.

 

Going back to school

Feeling more confident about getting started with strap-ons, but still have questions or want to get more visual instruction? If you’re local, check out our workshop schedule for our “Harness Your Pleasure” class—and if you’re not, but have access to an adult store that offers workshops, ask them if they have one or can add one to their rotation. You can also find how-to DVDs by well-known sex educators to enjoy privately at home.

As always, we’re here to answer questions, so feel free to drop a comment or contact us and we’ll do our best to help you get the info you need for the strap-on play you crave!

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