This is the fourth in our five-part series of posts exploring the languages of love and our recommended resources and gifts for connecting more intimately with your partner based on which ones are strongest for them. You can also check out our posts about gift-lovers, quality-timers, and touch-lovers.
We’ve reached the next-to-last post in our In Full Bloom series about love languages, and this week we’re going to talk about the one that’s most literally about language—Affirmative Words. (Speaking of which, how have you liked this series so far? We’d love to hear your comments about what you and your lover(s) have discovered about yourselves.)
Words of affirmation may seem like a no-brainer; after all, who wouldn’t want to hear loving words from their partner? But the true Affirmative Words lover is a little more specific than that.
How to know if either of you is primarily an Affirmative Words lover
As you may have guessed from our previous posts, people tend to express love in the ways they most want to receive it. It makes sense—we want our partners to feel what we do when we feel loved and cherished, and we’re not often conscious of the connection we make between those feelings and the actions that create them.
Is your partner just naturally a talker who loves lots of conversation and comments about everything? Or conversely, are they on the quiet side, but always seem to have something meaningful to say when they do speak up? They might put a lot of value in affirmative words. Some other things to look for include:
- They’re the kind of person who writes a personal note anytime they send a birthday or greeting card—they’re horrified at the idea of just signing their name
- They might compliment everyone around them—even strangers like sales clerks or people next to them in line—on something they’re wearing or doing
- They like to give credit where it’s due, so they’re probably the ones thanking their coworkers in meetings or making social media posts about a favor that someone did for them
- They’re always very specific in their comments. It’s never just “You look great today” but “That color is gorgeous on you and it makes the blue in your eyes even more striking!”
- On the flip side, they might take criticisms or even neutral comments very personally, or feel neglected, panicky, or abandoned if they don’t hear from a loved one often enough
- They might quote from poems or song lyrics to express their feelings if they feel their own words aren’t breathtaking enough for the occasion—they need to get the words just right
If affirmative words rank very low in importance to you or your lover, on the other hand, you might feel uncomfortable or embarrassed to tell someone how you feel. Saying “I love you” for the first time might be enough to make you sweat. You might be thick-skinned in conversations and debates because others’ words roll off you easily, and you might struggle to accept compliments to the point that it’s almost painfully awkward to listen to them.
How to build intimacy with your Affirmative Words lover
If you’re not naturally motivated by words of affirmation, you might be feeling a little queasy right now! Being sincere and heartfelt, and saying what we feel and think, are often looked down on in our culture of cool where everything’s about being aloof and witty and above-it-all. Combine that with being naturally less verbal in love, and no wonder you’re sweating it.
Good news! Learning to give good oral (aural?) to your language-loving partner is a skill like any other, and skills can be learned even if you’re not naturally gifted with a silver tongue.
The best approach when you’re starting out is first, to tell your partner that this is something that’s hard for you and doesn’t come naturally, but that you really want to try to get better at it. That statement alone is a perfect example of the kind of thing that makes them feel cherished!
Don’t be afraid to get some help! Check out our post about quality time lovers, specifically the sections about making plans to attend sexy-ed workshops together or using books and erotica to prompt some pillow talk, for suggestions about improving your communication skills in general. Those are both ways to give yourself intentional practice with the help of experts.
A great way to get both your needs met is to make sure you say something when they do something for you that matches your main love languages. For example, if Acts of Service are what make you feel the most loved, then thank them for it—but be specific! “Thanks for making dinner” might sound so neutral that they actually feel more brushed-off than valued, whereas “Thank you for making my favorite comfort food—I love that you always know that it makes me feel better after a crazy day like today” will make them feel appreciated for their effort.
When you’re in bed together and taking your time with each other, pay attention to the parts of their body that you’re focused on, and describe how it looks or feels to you. For example, “I love how soft your skin feels right at the top of your thighs.” Or talk about their reactions—“It’s so hot to me when your breath gets so quick and then catches in your throat like that”—or how you feel about what they’re doing to you, like “My stomach shivers when you kiss your way down my body and look up at me while you’re doing it.”
If your partner loves erotic or romantic poetry and lyrics, reading aloud or sending them others’ words that make you think of them can be a beautiful way to express your feelings in a way they’ll love when your own words don’t come easily.
Make a game of it
Being playful is a great way to get started with words of affirmation if it’s something you struggle with! If you and your partner give yourselves permission to be over the top or even silly, it can take some of the pressure off to get it “right”, and you can empower your partner to ask for what they need without feeling needy about it.
- Let them openly fish for compliments. If you’ve ever seen a parent and child play the game of “How much do you love me?” “THIS MUCH!” with arms outstretched, you get the idea. Bonus—whatever your partner asks you to compliment is probably something they’d like you to notice on your own!
- Play a little truth or dare, with your partner always asking for truth. Make a house rule that after they’ve asked their “truth” question, you’re allowed to say “dare” if answering the question is something that feels too difficult to put into words yet.
- Try a literal game, like something from our bedroom games section. You can look for one together that includes both your languages, like a sex positions game if you’re touch-driven, or a kink-themed game that includes acts of service.
We’re here to help!
Still have questions, or looking for recommendations for books, workshops, or other resources to help you get your verbal skills on point? Feel free to drop us a note or come by the store with any questions you have. We love talking to all of you about how to improve your intimate relationships and enjoy your best love and lust lives together!
